DEMANDING AN APOLOGY FROM WOMEN ACTION & THE MEDIA

(Please note:  In the text below are several words in ALL CAPS.  This is done for emphasis only. This is being posted on other sites using software that, in some cases, does not allow particular formatting.  I am not screaming or shouting.  I promise.)

In May, WAM (Women Action and the Media) began a campaign to stamp out sexist hate speech directed at women.  In and of itself, this was a noble undertaking and has brought that egregious practice into the light of day where it belongs.  What happened after that is also egregious in the extreme and this group did nothing to stop it and, in fact, encouraged it.  The result was nothing less than a stark repeat of one of history's darkest periods.

Thanks to WAM, the BDSM community became subject to what was nothing less than an outright pogrom, even a witch hunt.  In the ensuing days this group, while claiming to be an advocate of women and a bastion of free speech, violated the First Amendment of the United States Constitution (WAM is headquartered in the US) and knowingly - dare I even say this - with malice aforethought, actively worked to libel the community on Facebook, the largest social network in the world.

When called out by the BDSM community for WAM's incredibly ignorant, prejudicial, demonizing behavior, the group then backpedaled and, depending on your definition of the word, lied to cover their tracks.  To add insult to injury, they put out a statement saying that they had no problem with "consensual" BDSM and that it was Facebook's fault for taking down the pages.  This, even in the face of screenshots of the posts and resulting responses to posts that encouraged the witch hunt against the BDSM community.

One more time to get the point across:  If it is not consensual it is not, I repeat not, BDSM.   

WAM states clearly on their Facebook page with great pride that they forced the Washington Post to change their editorial policies after their interpretation of something written in an OPINION PIECE was deemed a sexist slur about Hillary Clinton.  Freedom of speech?  Freedom of thought?  Freedom of opinion?  Yes, even writers at the Post have the right to voice their opinion in writings clearly marked as such.  Here is the link to prove that this was, in fact, an OPINION PIECE dealing with a PUBLIC FIGURE. 

http://www.reclaimthemedia.org/media_justice/women_action_and_media_members0532

After appointing themselves the equivalent of the "thought police" AND using the threat of negative PR, WAM essentially forced Facebook to depublish over 100 (yes, that number is correct) pages started by the BDSM community to entertain and educate members of the community and those curious about the lifestyle.  NONE of these pages violated Facebook policy.  All were set for adults only (18 years old and over), some were even closed and/or secret to try and prevent minors from accessing the material.  This debacle mushroomed as a DIRECT RESULT of the actions or Women Action and the Media and WAM thinks they can lie, divert and misdirect their way out of it.

Not happening on my watch.

Women Action and the Media owes the BDSM community a thorough, humble apology along with a pledge to work to help restore those BDSM pages taken down as a result of their very misdirected campaign.

I call upon members of the BDSM community to stand up and demand this apology from Women Action and the Media and insist that it be given publicly, prominently and without ambiguity on their Facebook page, website, Twitter and any other social media they utilize. 

Please feel free to share this post. 

One last parting word:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me--and there was no one left to speak for me.

Friedrich Gustav Emil Martin Niemöller (14 January 1892 – 6 March 1984)

Ask yourself, if we (all of us, kink or vanilla) do not stop this now, who will WAM and other organizations of like mind come after next?

Facebook's War Against BDSM

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Socialist.
 
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.
 
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Jew.
 
Then they came for me--and there was no one left to speak for me.
 

Friedrich Gustav Emil Martin Niemöller (14 January 1892 – 6 March 1984)

A group called Women, Action & the Media have started a campaign to combat violence against women.  This is outstanding in theory.  In practice, however, it is nothing less than a colossal clusterfuck.  To date, more than 90, yes 90+, pages started by members of the BDSM community have been taken down.  This does not count those taken down and then restored. 

In the interest of full disclosure, I have no doubt that the campaign has brought down some purveyors of hate speech directed at women, and that is a very good thing.  However, that same campaign has run amok and must be reined in and limits set. It has gone from a well-intentioned movement to outright censorship and violation of the First Amendment of the US Constitution.

On June 18^th at approximately 4:30 p.m. an individual who shall remain nameless placed a post on WAM's Facebook wall (it is still there as of this writing) stating that women in abusive situations were there consensually because they were too scared to escape and seek help.  I could not believe that anyone educated enough to be able to type coherent words on a keyboard could be that stupid. 

WAM's little campaign and Facebook playing right into their hands is nothing new.  "Feminists" have been at war with the BDSM community for years.  While I haven't remained silent, I haven't stood up and stated unequivocally that I won't tolerate this BS any longer. 

To use Niemöller's poem as an analogy:  I am a woman, a collared submissive and very proud member of the BDSM community.  I'll be damned if I'm going to stand in the background any longer while others in the community are censored by the largest social network in the world in what amounts to discrimination and infringement on freedom of speech. 

I said to someone recently that this campaign reminded me of the temperance movement back in the late teens, early twenties last century.  I was wrong.  It's the late 1930s all over again.

They are coming for the BDSM community.  Are you going to sit silent until they come for you?

Subdrop

I've read about it.  I even understand it from a medical POV.  Makes perfect sense.  Using sensation overload, take the mind and body to the limits and the endocrine system secretes massive amounts of what is basically a narcotic cocktail with all kinds of enhancers.  It's a high like no other...even better than any of the "good drugs" a doctor can prescribe.  And I got a taste of it and LOVED it.  As with any narcotic/stimulant-induced high, there is a crash, sometimes within hours, but it can also happen days later.  The higher the high, the farther down the crash.  

 No, I did NOT love what happened a few days later.  In fact, I didn't even like it. 

Going away on a long-anticipated vacation trip and having a blast.  Everyone does it.  Coming home is great, but that post-vaca letdown is crappy, to say the least.  I fully expected to have the post-vaca letdown.  My work schedule was going to be quite a challenge, so I figured the letdown would be mild at best because activity, physical and mental, is a great deterrent to depression.  Oh, how wrong I was.

Just for grins and giggles,  let's add another little factor into the mix. 

I decided to detox from caffeine about the same time.  The caffeine detox had been taking place over more than six weeks.  I wanted to detox very, very slowly because one of the side effects of stopping caffeine too quickly is severe migraine in addition to the horrible draggy feeling that comes with detoxing from any sort of stimulant – and caffeine IS a stimulant. 

I've been a coffee snob since I was about 14 years old.  In college, coffee was my very best friend.  As a young parent of two very hyperactive boys, coffee was sometimes the only thing standing between me and complete exhaustion.  In med (PA) school, I practically mainlined the stuff.  Yeah, I was a coffee addict.  No, there is no such thing as Coffee Addicts Anonymous – but there should be. 

I digress...

We got home early Sunday evening and began getting ready for the upcoming week.  It was going to be "balls to the wall" all week long.  I was ready, willing and able. 

Monday and Tuesday were not too bad.  I didn't really have time to think about anything much more than work anyway.  Sir was back in the office and going hell for leather, too.  Wednesday was a little tricky.  I was feeling irritable, but nothing out of the ordinary when I'm under pressure.  By Thursday, I was no better and it was getting hard to concentrate.  By Friday night, it was getting hard to even make a decision as simple as figuring out what to have for dinner.  Nothing was going right.  Saturday, it felt like my mind was hitting a brick wall.  Motivation was damn near in the toilet. 

Sunday morning was a disaster. I had a total meltdown and couldn't quite figure out why.  My thinking process felt like scrambled eggs look on a plate.  Everything going in every possible direction except where I wanted and needed for it to go. The clincher was screaming at Sir because he hadn't taken out the trash.  Oh, yeah.  Not good.  I felt like I was a wreck. 

It wasn't like I wasn't familiar with the feelings I was having.  I have dealt with chronic depression for the last eight years.  The problem was that I couldn't figure out why I was having what could essentially be called a full-blown flare.  It felt like it had come out of nowhere. 

Remember those light bulb moments? 

Light.  Bulb.   

Oh, crap!  Subdrop.  Made worse by caffeine withdrawal and a high-pressure work week.  A constellation of factors that culminated in the Sunday from hell. 

At this point in the story, I need to extend a very heartfelt "thank you" to Tymber Dalton, Cherise Sinclair, and Kallypso Masters. Why?  Because I suggested Sir read their books and those stories helped him recognize what was happening before I figured it out.  Between their books and "Screw the Roses..." and "The Loving Dominant", Sir understood what was happening before I figured it out and he explained it to me.

I cried a bucket of tears because I was so grateful to learn I wasn't completely losing what little mind I was sure I had left.  Definitely a good thing.  That I would have to ride it out?  Definitely a bad thing. 

Blue Bell Ice Cream, Oreos, chicken soup, massage and, of course, lots of cuddling to the rescue. 

Just like millions of subs, I began to crawl out of the very dark place and make my way back to the land of the sane.  It took a couple of days, one very understanding Sir/DH, and three good books to take my mind off this whole crappy situation.  I tuned out the world and rode the roller coaster.  Once I understood what was happening, it was just a little easier to bear.  By Wednesday, I was feeling just about back to normal.  And I made it a point to read everything I could get my hands on about preventing and/or dealing with subdrop. 

What did I learn?

• It doesn't happen to everyone. 
• It's manifestation is unique to each person. There are some common elements, a feeling of sadness, overall lack of motivation, lethargy, irritability, even insecurity.
• Prevention/treatment is unique to each person. 
• It can be worse without good aftercare. 
• Even with good aftercare, there is no guarantee that it won't happen.
• There haven't been scientific studies on it, so there is really no objective information; it's all pretty much anecdotal.
• Each Dominant and submissive have to figure out what's best for them.  This takes time and patience. (Have I mentioned that patience is not one of my virtues?)
• Bottom line:  It can happen.  It does happen.  It sucks – major.

For me personally, it left me just a bit gun shy.  Subspace is a wonderful place, make no mistake.  However, I've been battling depression for a long time and have only just gotten a real handle on it in the last two to three years.  My experience with full-blown subdrop has left me very leery about visiting that wonderful place again and, certainly, not before Sir and I figure out the best way for us to either prevent it, minimize it or, even better, not have it happen at all.

As I write this, we're still learning and we've tried not to let have a negative impact (no pun intended) on our play.  Yes, I've been able to achieve an endorphin high (just not up into the stratosphere) and Sir definitely enjoys play time.  Aftercare is amazing.  Even so, we are proceeding slowly and cautiously. 

We have found that experimentation can be a lot of fun.  

Next:  Off the cuff...

Back to the Real World

My head was somewhere in the stratosphere and at the same time, I didn't want to leave.  Real Life was 24 hours away and it was time to go home.  Mixed feelings is an understatement.  Master, Mistress, ears, and dew felt like family.  As I write this, I miss them.  I knew I was leaving a small part of me behind – just like hundreds before me.  I was sure of one thing – I was leaving a totally different person from the one who arrived.  

It was a perfect day for the drive back home.  Crystal clear, not too hot.  We would be on the road for eight hours, but rather than fight the traffic in the I-95 corridor, we took I-81 through mountains, hills, and farm, wine and horse country. 

I was still riding the high and knew my reaction time wasn't the best, so Sir made it clear that He would be doing the driving. I was good with that; I'm not a big fan of driving anyway.  (A 200 mile/day round trip commute for years will do that to a person.)  And we talked like we hadn't talked in years – about everything. 

Were our lives going to change?  How would life change?  Did we want our lives to change?   What did this mean to Him?  To me?  What did we expect from each other? 

Looking at our lives in a new context now that the puzzle had been put together, we realized that we had already been living a D/s dynamic for the most part – more than we thought.  The problem was that I had been in the Dom position.  Well, not anymore - thank goodness. Now that we had some perspective, some of the little things began to make more sense. 

Sir complained on a regular basis about the fact that I was always putting myself second to Him and His needs and wants.  Now He began to understand that I wasn't putting myself second.  I was making sure my needs were being met by seeing to it that He was cared for in all ways.  This was what made me happy. 

But, Saya, it can't always be about me.

It isn't, Sir.  When we're together it IS about you in my mind and my heart.  When we're apart, I take care of me and do what I want to do.  But, you have to understand that when I'm caring for you, serving you, I do so because it's what I want, what I need.  You really are the center of my world.  

Sir was coming to understand certain facets of my behavior and why I did some of the things I did.  Yes, I was bratting out because a firmer hand was needed.  I didn't recognize it as that, but Master picked up on it almost immediately.  Once I understood, suddenly a lot of things in our marriage began to make more sense. Why I would get so angry about having to make so many decisions in our relationship.  Why there were times when I felt so cast adrift. 

Sir confessed some of His frustrations and it became very apparent that we had been working at cross purposes almost from the beginning.  No, the practical things probably wouldn't change.  I'd still pay the bills, keep the house, do most of the cooking. (Sir admits that I'm a wizard with money as well as being the better cook.)  Sir would take care of the yard and gardens.  (I have a black thumb and He can grow all types of plants anywhere.)

The relationship dynamic was going to change and in a major way.  We were basically going to start from the ground up and rebuild.  This was going to be about us and not about what we thought was demanded by society.  No more worrying about what other people thought.  This was our life and it began right here, right now.  

Did I understand that what I wanted and how I felt was still just as important as it had always been?  Yes, I did. Did I understand that from this point forward, Sir would be making the decisions and, once made, they were final?  Yes, I did.  Then, this was the first day of the rest of our lives and, this time, we would get it right.

As the trip went on, it dawned on me that I was feeling completely different from how I'd felt on the drive up to New York.  I was calmer.  My head was quieter.  I wasn't concerned about details.  I felt like I was wrapped in a warm, fuzzy blanket. 

There was something else that was different now, too. 

When we would be coming home from a vacation trip, I would have this feeling of pressure.  It was time to start thinking about real life and all of the concerns that went with it.  Getting out of the vacation headspace and back into real life headspace - I never liked that feeling.

This time, I felt like I was ready to get back to real life.  Oh, there was a lot of work ahead; rebuilding a relationship is not simple.  I finally figured out that what I was feeling was optimism.  Sir and I had a good life and a strong, loving marriage.  I remembered thinking it really couldn't get better.

At some point during that drive back home, I began to realize it was going to get better. 

Is this what Happily Ever After feels like?  Hmmmmm...not bad...I could get used to this.

*****************************

From me to you:

Thank you, dear reader, for your kind comments and compliments.   Thank you, too, for coming along on this journey with me.  It is far from over.  If you're so inclined, stick around.  I'll be writing about everything from my job to the pitfalls of aging and its impact on BDSM play. 

Think the topic of FSoG's impact on the lifestyle has been beat to death?  Yes, I'll be talking about the book's impact on the perception of BDSM in the vanilla community.  (Some of my vanilla friends have figured out what my "necklace" is not just a necklace.)

Think life has become a bed of roses, chains and chocolate?  So, what happens when a D/s couple has a battle of wills?  It's nothing like fiction, that's for sure.

Real life, bills, vet bills, arthritis, bills, working late, too much work and not enough play, bills. 

If you  think kids' toys are expensive, you ain't seen nothin' yet...

Books, books and more books.  I'm an outspoken, voracious reader.  I'm also a literary fangirl and you know what that means...

Then, there's the vanilla world's perception that submissives are subjugated.  With apologies to Jack Nicholson (and a grin to rival his Joker):  "Just wait'll they get a load o' me..."

Real men don't beat women?  Wanna bet?

So, hang out. We do have good cookies and chocolate, and ice cream (yes, real Blue Bell Ice Cream). 

If you have questions, please feel free to ask.  I'll certainly try to answer.

More to come...um...I mean...well, no pun intended...

Next:  Subdrop