Subdrop and Domdrop - Very Real Phenomena

DISCLAIMER:  Before you read further understand that this is in no way medical advice on any level. It's based on 11+ years experience in the lifestyle, my medical training, and anecdotal information collected from friends in the lifestyle. If things aren't getting back to what you feel is "normal" in what you feel is a reasonable amount of time, or you are having feelings that you find alarming, physical or mental - GET YOURSELF TO YOUR DOCTOR. 

The scene is over. You both had an incredible time. Aftercare left you both feeling all warm and fuzzy (among other things <g>). It’s now hours/days later and you begin to realize you are feeling to a degree some or all of the following:  emotional, tearful, overwhelmed, unmotivated, confused, irritable, snippy, bitchy, tired, all in all just downright lousy. Worse, you can’t understand why you are feeling this way.

Hello, kinky friends. You have now come face to face with Dom/Topdrop and subdrop.

Let’s go back for a moment to that incredible scene you both enjoyed. There were some very real physical things happening during that time. The glandular systems in both of your bodies were working hard in response to a lot of stimuli and those glands were flooding your body with  chemicals and hormones that made you feel amazing (and that is probably an understatement).

·      Oxytocin - often called the “love hormone”
·      Dopamine - a neurotransmitter that helps the brain sort out and process incoming stimuli
·      Serotonin - another neurotransmitter linked to feelings of happiness and well-being
·      Norepinephrine and epinephrine - hormones linked to the fight-or-flight response. Note: epinephrine is also called adrenalin
·      And last, but certainly not least, endorphins - the body’s natural opiates

All of these chemicals/hormones combine to create one hell of an amazing, all-natural cocktail that will give you a high unlike anything you have ever experienced. But as with any chemical high, you have to come down and sometimes you just feel a little punky  and in rare instances you “crash and burn”, “augur in”, “hit the wall”. Call it what you will, but in any degree, slight or extreme, it is NOT fun.

You’ve felt this before to some extent. You come home from an amazing vacation and remark to friends and family that you need a vacation from your vacation. You get off the roller coaster and a little while later you feel like you really just need to sit down and take a nap. The wedding went off without a hitch and at some point in the honeymoon you feel like you made a huge mistake. You’re holding your brand new baby in your arms and can’t understand why you’re feeling emotionally strung out. Yes, these are all forms of “drop”. The medical term is “depression”.

And folks, make no mistake, this depression is very, very real. Do NOT ignore it and put it off to being “emo”. Do NOT sit there and tell yourself you’re being silly, needy, it’s not really happening, etc. If you’re running a fever, bleeding from a cut, in pain because you worked out too hard, you don’t tell yourself it’s all in your head, do you? Probably not. Well, the emotional drop described above is literally in your head, but there is a very real physical reason for it. Your brain chemicals are a little messed up. Just as you would not ignore physical symptoms of something wrong, you cannot ignore emotional signals that something isn’t quite right.

And I’ll bet that you’re probably saying to yourself or have said to yourself at some point that you sure don’t want to go through THAT again. After all, who wants to feel like a basket case?

You aren’t going to avoid vacations, amusement parks and those crazy rides, weddings, parties, happy occasions, and any other opportunities to enjoy yourself to the max, right?

So, what can you do to minimize and possibly even avoid the drop that can occur after even light scening?

One of the most important things is to prepare for the scene. In addition to planning, both of you need to eat a good meal high in protein and complex carbs BEFORE you scene. Then:

1.            Keep hydrated during the scene. In fact, electrolyte drinks should become your new best friends when you are scening. Electrolyte imbalance is one of the contributors to drop.

2.            Both of you need to come down slowly. Doms/Tops, that sub is going to take a little while to come back to earth and you need to remember and ACKNOWLEDGE that you need a while to come back down, too. Touching and cuddling are very important after a scene. Also, Doms, keep your sub warm. While there is no specific evidence to substantiate this, I know if I get chilled, the shivers will bring me out in a very not-so-fun way. Other subs have told me that's not unusual.

3.            During immediate aftercare, you both need to keep hydrated. Remember that your  body is now going to flush out all those wonderful chemicals and it needs the fluids to do just that.

4.            CHOCOLATE. Yes, I said chocolate. Milk or dark, both are good, but I and many of my friends have found that dark chocolate works best. During immediate aftercare, eat chocolate, about the equivalent of one regular size Hershey bar. Why? Because chocolate contains a chemical that is nature’s antidepressant, phenylethylamine or PEA. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, happy and loving. In fact, keep some of those little single bite chocolate candies around. We keep M&Ms, Hershey bites, and my personal fave, Dove chocolate bites around. Allergic to chocolate or can't stand to eat it?  Here is some information on alternatives: 

http://www.readersdigest.ca/food/diet-nutrition/4-natural-antidepressants

Here’s the catch. You knew there was a catch, didn’t you? Isn’t that always the case?

Drop is sneaky. You cannot predict that it will happen. You cannot assume that just because it’s days later and you haven’t dropped you’ve escaped the bullet. This is where knowing yourself and how you function emotionally becomes important.

In addition to making sure you eat right, exercise, and get plenty of rest:

You both live together:  Understand that drop can and probably will happen. If you’re feeling out of the ordinary, do NOT keep it to yourself. You’ll probably feel like you need more cuddling than usual – well then, cuddle. And don’t forget those chocolate bites.

You don’t live together but play together pretty regularly:  Keep in touch. Talk, text, Skype, whatever. Reassure each other that what you’re feeling is perfectly normal. And don’t forget those chocolate bites.

Casual play partners:  Here’s where your kinky friends can help. We’ve all been there, done that, got the tee shirt and the DVD. Keep in touch with your friends in the community. Pamper yourself. Read that sappy romance novel. Have a pajama day. Allow yourself to veg out. And don’t forget those chocolate bites.

Bottom line:  Don’t play the hero. Drop is very, very real.

And you Doms/Tops out there - yes, I’m talking to you, oh Domly ones. Remember that you are human beings with the same physiology as your subs/bottoms. You can deny it all you want, but you know you felt pretty damn good during that scene. The reason you felt that way is the same reason your sub felt amazing. Take care of yourself the same way you would care for your sub.

And you subs out there – just as I stated above, your Doms have the same physiology. Care for your Dom just as they care for you.

We stress that communication is essential in the lifestyle. Communicate!

There’s a lot of information out there about drop. It goes by names like subdrop, Domdrop, bottom drop. Fetlife has reams of information about it and, Google and Bing won’t let you down. You have trusted friends in the community – either online or in real life. Pick their brains. The more you know, the better you can deal with this nasty little byproduct of fun.

And don’t forget those chocolate bites.

The "Myth" of Femdom

When I say the words “female Dominant” to you, what is the first thought that comes into your mind?

1.            Do you have a mental picture of a woman dressed in leather, wielding a whip, standing with her foot encased in CFM thigh-high boots on the throat of the naked man (or woman) lying at her feet?

Or…

2.            Do you have a mental picture of a woman who dresses no different than any other walking down the street with a man (or woman) who is very clearly her partner but may be walking a step or two behind her, who (among other things) opens a door for her and allows her to precede him?

Or…

3.            Do you have a mental picture of a couple unmistakably devoted to one another and it is clear that the female in this dynamic is the one “in charge”?

Or…

4.            Do you have a mental picture of no particular couple you pass on the street and wouldn’t give a second glance to because there is really nothing out of the truly ordinary about them?

These are just four scenarios put forth for your consideration. Guess what? In each one, there is a little bit of myth and a little bit of truth with one common bottom line – The woman is the Dominant partner.

And guess what else? All four dynamics describe D/s (Dominant/submissive), M/s (Master/slave), T/b (Top/bottom) dynamics of couples who happen to be friends of mine and all of whom just happen to be long-time members of the BDSM Community.

Now, for the 100 billion dollar question. Are you ready? Can you guess which is which? I’ll bet you thought #1 was the M/s couple, #2 the D/s couple, #3 the T/b couple, and #4 vanilla as vanilla could ever be. Well, surprise (or maybe not) – you are W.R.O.N.G.

Moral of the story: Appearances really are deceiving. So are preconceptions and assumptions.

And, just so we cover a lot of other bases – Femdom porn is bullshit. 

So why am I writing about the “myth” of  the Femdom, or put much more accurately, the “myth” of the female Dominant? I’ll give you the short version…

Last night, in a group I thoroughly enjoy on Facebook, a friend asked the question, “What is the difference between a Femdom and a female Dominant?” The discussion got very interesting with some very thoughtful, insightful comments…until…(and you just knew that was coming, didn’t you)…

Until one of the respondents - who just happened to be male - but I assure you, his gender had nothing to do with my disquiet - said some things that struck an extremely raw nerve with me. Among his assertions:  a) the femdom gets off on humiliation and ball busting men. (WTF?! Oh, no, he did. NOT. Just say that!!), and b) to justify assertion (a) after the BS flag was thrown by me and others in the thread - if one inquired within the BDSM Community about what a Femdom is…wait for it…99% of the Community would agree with his humiliation/ball busting description.

Oh, and said individual has 35 years experience in the Community, has written a book, is the pre-eminent authority on all things BDSM, and his way is the only way because he says so. (In the interest of accuracy and full disclosure – He has written a book. I can’t vouch for the rest of the information.)

Cue the sound of a bomb exploding. Yes, folks, that missile trail you saw in the sky last night was my head exploding as it rocketed into outer space.

Enter from stage wherever they happened to be at the time the members of The-You-Had-Better-Believe-That-Is-BULLSHIT Squad followed by the There-Is-No-Such-Thing-As-One-Twue-Way-In-BDSM Army.

Tymber Dalton, a very well-known author of BDSM fiction (among many other works, The Reluctant Dom - held as nearly iconic within the Community) and who LIVES the lifestyle, continues to spread the word about the “True Rules of BDSM”, quoted here with her permission:

Safety Note: By "rules" I'm not talking safety issues (bio-hazard precautions for needle play, safety issues for fire/wax play, strangulation/drop hazards for suspension play, no handcuffs for suspension, where/how to use implements as not to cause serious injury, etc.).

Rule One: Everyone involved in the play MUST be a CONSENTING adult. If their consent withdraws during play, play STOPS.

Rule Two: No one must be HARMED (physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally) by the play. (Hurt and harmed are two different things. They might WANT to be hurt. Harmed is lasting damage beyond the play.)

Rule Three: Everyone must either be having fun and/or getting what they need from the play.

Simple, direct, to the point, and accurate. (And I agree wholeheartedly and very enthusiastically.)

So, back on track here. Why is the depiction/assumption that female Dominants always humiliate men and bust their balls such a hot-button issue with me?

Well, the short answer is – because it’s total screaming, flaming, idiotic bullshit.

So, here’s the straight scoop, the truth, the real thing, the honest, no-bullshit answer to the question.

Female Dominants aka Femdoms/Dommes/Mistresses – call them by whatever label you like - are NO DIFFERENT than male Dominants, and a Femdom is nothing more than a DOMINANT within a relationship dynamic who just happens to be FEMALE.

Female + Dominant = Femdom

It’s that simple, that direct, to the point, and just that accurate.

Whatever dynamic you see in a relationship dynamic in which the dominant partner is female is whatever the participants in the dynamic have agreed upon between themselves. Same as when the male is the dominant partner in a relationship dynamic.

How do I know this to be accurate?

I LIVE the D/s life. However, while I classify myself as a submissive within the lifestyle, I submit ONLY to Sir Sayanov, kneel ONLY to Sir Sayanov, cleave ONLY to Sir Sayanov, serve ONLY Sir Sayanov, and with two exceptions (both Masters under whom Sir Sayanov and I have trained), call only one other Dominant/Master in my life Sir in any context – Sir Sayanov. In every single other aspect of my life, make no mistake, I am a Dominant in every sense of the word.

Within the Community, I have friends who are female Dominants. My absolute BFFL and business partner is a female Dominant. I have, in - to date - four instances, had a hand in training newly aware female Dominants. (Another subject for another post.)

This is called Real Life Experience, knowing and understanding your subject matter by living it. Every single day.

So, the next time someone asks you, “What is the difference between a Femdom and a female Dominant?” what will be the first thing that comes to your mind?

Oh, by the way, remember those four examples above? Still curious about which is which?

Here’s your answer: The couples are all of the above – depending on what they happen to be doing at any given time. The ONLY thing they have in common is that within each dynamic, there is a female who is the Dominant partner in the relationship.

See, it’s not that hard to understand. 

Amazon and Censorship - The Battle Continues

When all the crap came down about books being pulled from Amazon and other distributors, I started trying to figure out what was going on and contacted several of my geek friends. As near as we can determine the various ebook distributors are using software that scans uploaded ebooks for various terms that may indicate abusive or offensive material. 

What are these words? No one knows and no one can get answers. I know this because my geek colleagues and I have tried to get those answers.

Why can’t we get answers? Because the sysadmin or a committee will set the parameters for the search terms and this is based on their terms of service and personal opinions of what constitutes offensive material.  Subjective much?

What does that mean?  It means that any ebook containing words like “rape”, or phrases that may indicate nonconsent or dubious consent, or incestuous relationships, bondage, domination, submission, sadism, masochism, or any number of other words and phrases as determined by nebulous authorities will be pulled by the computer.

Yes, you read that right – some nameless, faceless individual guided by extremely ambiguous terms of service and guidelines, and their personal opinion inputs arbitrary words and phrases as search criteria, then turns the computer loose to pull ebooks because they have been determined to be pornography, abusive, offensive or just something a few zealots have determined is “undesirable”.

Yes, the implication is correct.  Adults are being told what they can and can’t read, even in the face of the US Constitution and the US Supreme Court rulings regarding pornography.  See the thumbnails of the cases cited here :

http://www.nap.edu/netsafekids/pp_li_pfa.html

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/porn/prosecuting/overview.html

Keep in mind, that no one has an argument with the ruling that adults have the right to restrict what children will be able to access, but I’m talking about what ADULTS can access and purchase.

Then there is the issue of interference with a person’s livelihood since writing is, in fact, a job.

As long as we’re discussing subjective criteria for undesirable, offensive material, then I’d like an answer to this question:  Why is the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy still for sale?

Amazon is, without qualification/argument, the largest book distributor in the world. Where goes Amazon, so go the rest of the lemmings.  So, as an author what can you do?  As a reader, what can you do?

Authors:

Email your Amazon contact and request SPECIFIC REASONS why they have removed your book(s). Do not settle for anything less than a very detailed explanation.  In many cases, when a human takes a look at the books, they are reinstated because there was really nothing wrong in the first place.  That doesn’t help you with your lost sales during the period when the book was blocked, but at least it’ll be back up and available for sale.

UK authors:  Until your new obscenity laws are challenged through your courts, you are pretty much SOL, but I would suggest that you do the same. Email and demand a detailed explanation of why your book(s) was/were removed/blocked.

Readers:

Now, here is where the real power lies – money. Our wallets have incredible power. I personally purchase close to 1000 (one thousand – and you did read that right) books PER YEAR. I have the receipts to prove it.  And my numbers sometimes don’t even come close to some other folks’ numbers. The point is, I’m not the only one who buys up in the high hundreds of books per year. Do the math and then think about that incredible amount of revenue.

Now you understand just where the power lies, right? So how do we use it?

We sit down and email Amazon AND we write to Jeff Bezos AND we pick up the phone and call Amazon’s global headquarters:

Jeffrey Bezos, CEO

Amazon Incorporated Headquarters

410 Terry Avenue North

Seattle, Washington USA    98109

Phone:  +1-206-266-1000

If you call, you want to speak to the VP in charge of customer relations.

When you write or call, do NOT get emotional.  Talk money.  Tell them how much you spend on books per year.  Tell them about the other products you order from Amazon. Tell them that you have no problem with switching over to some other ereader because there are free apps out there for the other readers available on the market, and there is file converter software like Calibre that can convert the proprietary files. Make no bones about the fact that you will go elsewhere to purchase the other products Amazon sells.  Make the point that Amazon is NOT the only game in town and you will take your business elsewhere. Not only that, you will encourage your friends on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and any other social networking media you use to do the same. And, oh, by the way, some of those friends out there are probably Amazon stockholders.  Jus’ sayin’…

Amazon will act like it really doesn’t make a difference to them, that they are sorry to see you go (remember, to them you are just one small fish in a big sea). The thing is, if enough people protest and boycott, Amazon will get the message and learn the same lesson just like PayPal did.

Remember:  When talking to big corporations, leave the emotion at the door or in your closet.  TALK NUMBERS. This is the only language they speak.

Speaking of numbers…Think about this:  Amazon Prime charges $79.00/year for membership. Yes, you do get a good bang for your buck.  BUT… if 10 Prime members cancel their membership, that’s lost revenue of $790.00 per year, if 1000 members cancel that’s $79,000/year.  If 100,000 members cancel because they will not sit still for this crap that is 7.9 MILLION per year in lost revenue.  Now, those numbers are not chump change to stockholders. And 100,000 possible dropped Prime memberships is not an impossible number thanks to the prevalence of various social media out there. Some of us use several social networking sites. 

One last thing, if they tell you that they are filtering results (which is what they tried to pull with me), insist that they give you instructions on how to turn off any filters. I’m still waiting on a reply to that question.

If you don’t act, one morning you’ll wake up and the zealots, corporations and lazy parents will have determined what you can and can’t read.  Is that really what you want? 

EDITED TO ADD FOLLOW-UP COMMENT:  There does seem to be a pattern after all. Attention authors:  Watch those titles.  Words like CAPTIVE, RAPE, DAUGHTER, DADDY, various animals, TAKEN, etc. will probably get your book flagged. Just remember, be sure to contact the distributor and demand a detailed explanation of why your book(s) was/were taken down.

DEMANDING AN APOLOGY FROM WOMEN ACTION & THE MEDIA

(Please note:  In the text below are several words in ALL CAPS.  This is done for emphasis only. This is being posted on other sites using software that, in some cases, does not allow particular formatting.  I am not screaming or shouting.  I promise.)

In May, WAM (Women Action and the Media) began a campaign to stamp out sexist hate speech directed at women.  In and of itself, this was a noble undertaking and has brought that egregious practice into the light of day where it belongs.  What happened after that is also egregious in the extreme and this group did nothing to stop it and, in fact, encouraged it.  The result was nothing less than a stark repeat of one of history's darkest periods.

Thanks to WAM, the BDSM community became subject to what was nothing less than an outright pogrom, even a witch hunt.  In the ensuing days this group, while claiming to be an advocate of women and a bastion of free speech, violated the First Amendment of the United States Constitution (WAM is headquartered in the US) and knowingly - dare I even say this - with malice aforethought, actively worked to libel the community on Facebook, the largest social network in the world.

When called out by the BDSM community for WAM's incredibly ignorant, prejudicial, demonizing behavior, the group then backpedaled and, depending on your definition of the word, lied to cover their tracks.  To add insult to injury, they put out a statement saying that they had no problem with "consensual" BDSM and that it was Facebook's fault for taking down the pages.  This, even in the face of screenshots of the posts and resulting responses to posts that encouraged the witch hunt against the BDSM community.

One more time to get the point across:  If it is not consensual it is not, I repeat not, BDSM.   

WAM states clearly on their Facebook page with great pride that they forced the Washington Post to change their editorial policies after their interpretation of something written in an OPINION PIECE was deemed a sexist slur about Hillary Clinton.  Freedom of speech?  Freedom of thought?  Freedom of opinion?  Yes, even writers at the Post have the right to voice their opinion in writings clearly marked as such.  Here is the link to prove that this was, in fact, an OPINION PIECE dealing with a PUBLIC FIGURE. 

http://www.reclaimthemedia.org/media_justice/women_action_and_media_members0532

After appointing themselves the equivalent of the "thought police" AND using the threat of negative PR, WAM essentially forced Facebook to depublish over 100 (yes, that number is correct) pages started by the BDSM community to entertain and educate members of the community and those curious about the lifestyle.  NONE of these pages violated Facebook policy.  All were set for adults only (18 years old and over), some were even closed and/or secret to try and prevent minors from accessing the material.  This debacle mushroomed as a DIRECT RESULT of the actions or Women Action and the Media and WAM thinks they can lie, divert and misdirect their way out of it.

Not happening on my watch.

Women Action and the Media owes the BDSM community a thorough, humble apology along with a pledge to work to help restore those BDSM pages taken down as a result of their very misdirected campaign.

I call upon members of the BDSM community to stand up and demand this apology from Women Action and the Media and insist that it be given publicly, prominently and without ambiguity on their Facebook page, website, Twitter and any other social media they utilize. 

Please feel free to share this post. 

One last parting word:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me--and there was no one left to speak for me.

Friedrich Gustav Emil Martin Niemöller (14 January 1892 – 6 March 1984)

Ask yourself, if we (all of us, kink or vanilla) do not stop this now, who will WAM and other organizations of like mind come after next?

Facebook's War Against BDSM

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Socialist.
 
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.
 
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Jew.
 
Then they came for me--and there was no one left to speak for me.
 

Friedrich Gustav Emil Martin Niemöller (14 January 1892 – 6 March 1984)

A group called Women, Action & the Media have started a campaign to combat violence against women.  This is outstanding in theory.  In practice, however, it is nothing less than a colossal clusterfuck.  To date, more than 90, yes 90+, pages started by members of the BDSM community have been taken down.  This does not count those taken down and then restored. 

In the interest of full disclosure, I have no doubt that the campaign has brought down some purveyors of hate speech directed at women, and that is a very good thing.  However, that same campaign has run amok and must be reined in and limits set. It has gone from a well-intentioned movement to outright censorship and violation of the First Amendment of the US Constitution.

On June 18^th at approximately 4:30 p.m. an individual who shall remain nameless placed a post on WAM's Facebook wall (it is still there as of this writing) stating that women in abusive situations were there consensually because they were too scared to escape and seek help.  I could not believe that anyone educated enough to be able to type coherent words on a keyboard could be that stupid. 

WAM's little campaign and Facebook playing right into their hands is nothing new.  "Feminists" have been at war with the BDSM community for years.  While I haven't remained silent, I haven't stood up and stated unequivocally that I won't tolerate this BS any longer. 

To use Niemöller's poem as an analogy:  I am a woman, a collared submissive and very proud member of the BDSM community.  I'll be damned if I'm going to stand in the background any longer while others in the community are censored by the largest social network in the world in what amounts to discrimination and infringement on freedom of speech. 

I said to someone recently that this campaign reminded me of the temperance movement back in the late teens, early twenties last century.  I was wrong.  It's the late 1930s all over again.

They are coming for the BDSM community.  Are you going to sit silent until they come for you?