Subdrop

I've read about it.  I even understand it from a medical POV.  Makes perfect sense.  Using sensation overload, take the mind and body to the limits and the endocrine system secretes massive amounts of what is basically a narcotic cocktail with all kinds of enhancers.  It's a high like no other...even better than any of the "good drugs" a doctor can prescribe.  And I got a taste of it and LOVED it.  As with any narcotic/stimulant-induced high, there is a crash, sometimes within hours, but it can also happen days later.  The higher the high, the farther down the crash.  

 No, I did NOT love what happened a few days later.  In fact, I didn't even like it. 

Going away on a long-anticipated vacation trip and having a blast.  Everyone does it.  Coming home is great, but that post-vaca letdown is crappy, to say the least.  I fully expected to have the post-vaca letdown.  My work schedule was going to be quite a challenge, so I figured the letdown would be mild at best because activity, physical and mental, is a great deterrent to depression.  Oh, how wrong I was.

Just for grins and giggles,  let's add another little factor into the mix. 

I decided to detox from caffeine about the same time.  The caffeine detox had been taking place over more than six weeks.  I wanted to detox very, very slowly because one of the side effects of stopping caffeine too quickly is severe migraine in addition to the horrible draggy feeling that comes with detoxing from any sort of stimulant – and caffeine IS a stimulant. 

I've been a coffee snob since I was about 14 years old.  In college, coffee was my very best friend.  As a young parent of two very hyperactive boys, coffee was sometimes the only thing standing between me and complete exhaustion.  In med (PA) school, I practically mainlined the stuff.  Yeah, I was a coffee addict.  No, there is no such thing as Coffee Addicts Anonymous – but there should be. 

I digress...

We got home early Sunday evening and began getting ready for the upcoming week.  It was going to be "balls to the wall" all week long.  I was ready, willing and able. 

Monday and Tuesday were not too bad.  I didn't really have time to think about anything much more than work anyway.  Sir was back in the office and going hell for leather, too.  Wednesday was a little tricky.  I was feeling irritable, but nothing out of the ordinary when I'm under pressure.  By Thursday, I was no better and it was getting hard to concentrate.  By Friday night, it was getting hard to even make a decision as simple as figuring out what to have for dinner.  Nothing was going right.  Saturday, it felt like my mind was hitting a brick wall.  Motivation was damn near in the toilet. 

Sunday morning was a disaster. I had a total meltdown and couldn't quite figure out why.  My thinking process felt like scrambled eggs look on a plate.  Everything going in every possible direction except where I wanted and needed for it to go. The clincher was screaming at Sir because he hadn't taken out the trash.  Oh, yeah.  Not good.  I felt like I was a wreck. 

It wasn't like I wasn't familiar with the feelings I was having.  I have dealt with chronic depression for the last eight years.  The problem was that I couldn't figure out why I was having what could essentially be called a full-blown flare.  It felt like it had come out of nowhere. 

Remember those light bulb moments? 

Light.  Bulb.   

Oh, crap!  Subdrop.  Made worse by caffeine withdrawal and a high-pressure work week.  A constellation of factors that culminated in the Sunday from hell. 

At this point in the story, I need to extend a very heartfelt "thank you" to Tymber Dalton, Cherise Sinclair, and Kallypso Masters. Why?  Because I suggested Sir read their books and those stories helped him recognize what was happening before I figured it out.  Between their books and "Screw the Roses..." and "The Loving Dominant", Sir understood what was happening before I figured it out and he explained it to me.

I cried a bucket of tears because I was so grateful to learn I wasn't completely losing what little mind I was sure I had left.  Definitely a good thing.  That I would have to ride it out?  Definitely a bad thing. 

Blue Bell Ice Cream, Oreos, chicken soup, massage and, of course, lots of cuddling to the rescue. 

Just like millions of subs, I began to crawl out of the very dark place and make my way back to the land of the sane.  It took a couple of days, one very understanding Sir/DH, and three good books to take my mind off this whole crappy situation.  I tuned out the world and rode the roller coaster.  Once I understood what was happening, it was just a little easier to bear.  By Wednesday, I was feeling just about back to normal.  And I made it a point to read everything I could get my hands on about preventing and/or dealing with subdrop. 

What did I learn?

• It doesn't happen to everyone. 
• It's manifestation is unique to each person. There are some common elements, a feeling of sadness, overall lack of motivation, lethargy, irritability, even insecurity.
• Prevention/treatment is unique to each person. 
• It can be worse without good aftercare. 
• Even with good aftercare, there is no guarantee that it won't happen.
• There haven't been scientific studies on it, so there is really no objective information; it's all pretty much anecdotal.
• Each Dominant and submissive have to figure out what's best for them.  This takes time and patience. (Have I mentioned that patience is not one of my virtues?)
• Bottom line:  It can happen.  It does happen.  It sucks – major.

For me personally, it left me just a bit gun shy.  Subspace is a wonderful place, make no mistake.  However, I've been battling depression for a long time and have only just gotten a real handle on it in the last two to three years.  My experience with full-blown subdrop has left me very leery about visiting that wonderful place again and, certainly, not before Sir and I figure out the best way for us to either prevent it, minimize it or, even better, not have it happen at all.

As I write this, we're still learning and we've tried not to let have a negative impact (no pun intended) on our play.  Yes, I've been able to achieve an endorphin high (just not up into the stratosphere) and Sir definitely enjoys play time.  Aftercare is amazing.  Even so, we are proceeding slowly and cautiously. 

We have found that experimentation can be a lot of fun.  

Next:  Off the cuff...