Saturday, February 8, 2014

Subdrop and Domdrop - Very Real Phenomena

DISCLAIMER:  Before you read further understand that this is in no way medical advice on any level. It's based on 11+ years experience in the lifestyle, my medical training, and anecdotal information collected from friends in the lifestyle. If things aren't getting back to what you feel is "normal" in what you feel is a reasonable amount of time, or you are having feelings that you find alarming, physical or mental - GET YOURSELF TO YOUR DOCTOR. 

The scene is over. You both had an incredible time. Aftercare left you both feeling all warm and fuzzy (among other things <g>). It’s now hours/days later and you begin to realize you are feeling to a degree some or all of the following:  emotional, tearful, overwhelmed, unmotivated, confused, irritable, snippy, bitchy, tired, all in all just downright lousy. Worse, you can’t understand why you are feeling this way.

Hello, kinky friends. You have now come face to face with Dom/Topdrop and subdrop.

Let’s go back for a moment to that incredible scene you both enjoyed. There were some very real physical things happening during that time. The glandular systems in both of your bodies were working hard in response to a lot of stimuli and those glands were flooding your body with  chemicals and hormones that made you feel amazing (and that is probably an understatement).

·      Oxytocin - often called the “love hormone”
·      Dopamine - a neurotransmitter that helps the brain sort out and process incoming stimuli
·      Serotonin - another neurotransmitter linked to feelings of happiness and well-being
·      Norepinephrine and epinephrine - hormones linked to the fight-or-flight response. Note: epinephrine is also called adrenalin
·      And last, but certainly not least, endorphins - the body’s natural opiates

All of these chemicals/hormones combine to create one hell of an amazing, all-natural cocktail that will give you a high unlike anything you have ever experienced. But as with any chemical high, you have to come down and sometimes you just feel a little punky  and in rare instances you “crash and burn”, “augur in”, “hit the wall”. Call it what you will, but in any degree, slight or extreme, it is NOT fun.

You’ve felt this before to some extent. You come home from an amazing vacation and remark to friends and family that you need a vacation from your vacation. You get off the roller coaster and a little while later you feel like you really just need to sit down and take a nap. The wedding went off without a hitch and at some point in the honeymoon you feel like you made a huge mistake. You’re holding your brand new baby in your arms and can’t understand why you’re feeling emotionally strung out. Yes, these are all forms of “drop”. The medical term is “depression”.

And folks, make no mistake, this depression is very, very real. Do NOT ignore it and put it off to being “emo”. Do NOT sit there and tell yourself you’re being silly, needy, it’s not really happening, etc. If you’re running a fever, bleeding from a cut, in pain because you worked out too hard, you don’t tell yourself it’s all in your head, do you? Probably not. Well, the emotional drop described above is literally in your head, but there is a very real physical reason for it. Your brain chemicals are a little messed up. Just as you would not ignore physical symptoms of something wrong, you cannot ignore emotional signals that something isn’t quite right.

And I’ll bet that you’re probably saying to yourself or have said to yourself at some point that you sure don’t want to go through THAT again. After all, who wants to feel like a basket case?

You aren’t going to avoid vacations, amusement parks and those crazy rides, weddings, parties, happy occasions, and any other opportunities to enjoy yourself to the max, right?

So, what can you do to minimize and possibly even avoid the drop that can occur after even light scening?

One of the most important things is to prepare for the scene. In addition to planning, both of you need to eat a good meal high in protein and complex carbs BEFORE you scene. Then:

1.            Keep hydrated during the scene. In fact, electrolyte drinks should become your new best friends when you are scening. Electrolyte imbalance is one of the contributors to drop.

2.            Both of you need to come down slowly. Doms/Tops, that sub is going to take a little while to come back to earth and you need to remember and ACKNOWLEDGE that you need a while to come back down, too. Touching and cuddling are very important after a scene. Also, Doms, keep your sub warm. While there is no specific evidence to substantiate this, I know if I get chilled, the shivers will bring me out in a very not-so-fun way. Other subs have told me that's not unusual.

3.            During immediate aftercare, you both need to keep hydrated. Remember that your  body is now going to flush out all those wonderful chemicals and it needs the fluids to do just that.

4.            CHOCOLATE. Yes, I said chocolate. Milk or dark, both are good, but I and many of my friends have found that dark chocolate works best. During immediate aftercare, eat chocolate, about the equivalent of one regular size Hershey bar. Why? Because chocolate contains a chemical that is nature’s antidepressant, phenylethylamine or PEA. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, happy and loving. In fact, keep some of those little single bite chocolate candies around. We keep M&Ms, Hershey bites, and my personal fave, Dove chocolate bites around. Allergic to chocolate or can't stand to eat it?  Here is some information on alternatives: 

http://www.readersdigest.ca/food/diet-nutrition/4-natural-antidepressants

Here’s the catch. You knew there was a catch, didn’t you? Isn’t that always the case?

Drop is sneaky. You cannot predict that it will happen. You cannot assume that just because it’s days later and you haven’t dropped you’ve escaped the bullet. This is where knowing yourself and how you function emotionally becomes important.

In addition to making sure you eat right, exercise, and get plenty of rest:

You both live together:  Understand that drop can and probably will happen. If you’re feeling out of the ordinary, do NOT keep it to yourself. You’ll probably feel like you need more cuddling than usual – well then, cuddle. And don’t forget those chocolate bites.

You don’t live together but play together pretty regularly:  Keep in touch. Talk, text, Skype, whatever. Reassure each other that what you’re feeling is perfectly normal. And don’t forget those chocolate bites.

Casual play partners:  Here’s where your kinky friends can help. We’ve all been there, done that, got the tee shirt and the DVD. Keep in touch with your friends in the community. Pamper yourself. Read that sappy romance novel. Have a pajama day. Allow yourself to veg out. And don’t forget those chocolate bites.

Bottom line:  Don’t play the hero. Drop is very, very real.

And you Doms/Tops out there - yes, I’m talking to you, oh Domly ones. Remember that you are human beings with the same physiology as your subs/bottoms. You can deny it all you want, but you know you felt pretty damn good during that scene. The reason you felt that way is the same reason your sub felt amazing. Take care of yourself the same way you would care for your sub.

And you subs out there – just as I stated above, your Doms have the same physiology. Care for your Dom just as they care for you.

We stress that communication is essential in the lifestyle. Communicate!

There’s a lot of information out there about drop. It goes by names like subdrop, Domdrop, bottom drop. Fetlife has reams of information about it and, Google and Bing won’t let you down. You have trusted friends in the community – either online or in real life. Pick their brains. The more you know, the better you can deal with this nasty little byproduct of fun.


And don’t forget those chocolate bites.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

The "Myth" of Femdom

When I say the words “female Dominant” to you, what is the first thought that comes into your mind?

1.            Do you have a mental picture of a woman dressed in leather, wielding a whip, standing with her foot encased in CFM thigh-high boots on the throat of the naked man (or woman) lying at her feet?

Or…

2.            Do you have a mental picture of a woman who dresses no different than any other walking down the street with a man (or woman) who is very clearly her partner but may be walking a step or two behind her, who (among other things) opens a door for her and allows her to precede him?

Or…

3.            Do you have a mental picture of a couple unmistakably devoted to one another and it is clear that the female in this dynamic is the one “in charge”?

Or…

4.            Do you have a mental picture of no particular couple you pass on the street and wouldn’t give a second glance to because there is really nothing out of the truly ordinary about them?

These are just four scenarios put forth for your consideration. Guess what? In each one, there is a little bit of myth and a little bit of truth with one common bottom line – The woman is the Dominant partner.

And guess what else? All four dynamics describe D/s (Dominant/submissive), M/s (Master/slave), T/b (Top/bottom) dynamics of couples who happen to be friends of mine and all of whom just happen to be long-time members of the BDSM Community.

Now, for the 100 billion dollar question. Are you ready? Can you guess which is which? I’ll bet you thought #1 was the M/s couple, #2 the D/s couple, #3 the T/b couple, and #4 vanilla as vanilla could ever be. Well, surprise (or maybe not) – you are W.R.O.N.G.

Moral of the story: Appearances really are deceiving. So are preconceptions and assumptions.

And, just so we cover a lot of other bases – Femdom porn is bullshit. 

So why am I writing about the “myth” of  the Femdom, or put much more accurately, the “myth” of the female Dominant? I’ll give you the short version…

Last night, in a group I thoroughly enjoy on Facebook, a friend asked the question, “What is the difference between a Femdom and a female Dominant?” The discussion got very interesting with some very thoughtful, insightful comments…until…(and you just knew that was coming, didn’t you)…

Until one of the respondents - who just happened to be male - but I assure you, his gender had nothing to do with my disquiet - said some things that struck an extremely raw nerve with me. Among his assertions:  a) the femdom gets off on humiliation and ball busting men. (WTF?! Oh, no, he did. NOT. Just say that!!), and b) to justify assertion (a) after the BS flag was thrown by me and others in the thread - if one inquired within the BDSM Community about what a Femdom is…wait for it…99% of the Community would agree with his humiliation/ball busting description.

Oh, and said individual has 35 years experience in the Community, has written a book, is the pre-eminent authority on all things BDSM, and his way is the only way because he says so. (In the interest of accuracy and full disclosure – He has written a book. I can’t vouch for the rest of the information.)

Cue the sound of a bomb exploding. Yes, folks, that missile trail you saw in the sky last night was my head exploding as it rocketed into outer space.

Enter from stage wherever they happened to be at the time the members of The-You-Had-Better-Believe-That-Is-BULLSHIT Squad followed by the There-Is-No-Such-Thing-As-One-Twue-Way-In-BDSM Army.

Tymber Dalton, a very well-known author of BDSM fiction (among many other works, The Reluctant Dom - held as nearly iconic within the Community) and who LIVES the lifestyle, continues to spread the word about the “True Rules of BDSM”, quoted here with her permission:

Safety Note: By "rules" I'm not talking safety issues (bio-hazard precautions for needle play, safety issues for fire/wax play, strangulation/drop hazards for suspension play, no handcuffs for suspension, where/how to use implements as not to cause serious injury, etc.).

Rule One: Everyone involved in the play MUST be a CONSENTING adult. If their consent withdraws during play, play STOPS.

Rule Two: No one must be HARMED (physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally) by the play. (Hurt and harmed are two different things. They might WANT to be hurt. Harmed is lasting damage beyond the play.)

Rule Three: Everyone must either be having fun and/or getting what they need from the play.

Simple, direct, to the point, and accurate. (And I agree wholeheartedly and very enthusiastically.)

So, back on track here. Why is the depiction/assumption that female Dominants always humiliate men and bust their balls such a hot-button issue with me?

Well, the short answer is – because it’s total screaming, flaming, idiotic bullshit.

So, here’s the straight scoop, the truth, the real thing, the honest, no-bullshit answer to the question.

Female Dominants aka Femdoms/Dommes/Mistresses – call them by whatever label you like - are NO DIFFERENT than male Dominants, and a Femdom is nothing more than a DOMINANT within a relationship dynamic who just happens to be FEMALE.

Female + Dominant = Femdom

It’s that simple, that direct, to the point, and just that accurate.

Whatever dynamic you see in a relationship dynamic in which the dominant partner is female is whatever the participants in the dynamic have agreed upon between themselves. Same as when the male is the dominant partner in a relationship dynamic.

How do I know this to be accurate?

I LIVE the D/s life. However, while I classify myself as a submissive within the lifestyle, I submit ONLY to Sir Sayanov, kneel ONLY to Sir Sayanov, cleave ONLY to Sir Sayanov, serve ONLY Sir Sayanov, and with two exceptions (both Masters under whom Sir Sayanov and I have trained), call only one other Dominant/Master in my life Sir in any context – Sir Sayanov. In every single other aspect of my life, make no mistake, I am a Dominant in every sense of the word.

Within the Community, I have friends who are female Dominants. My absolute BFFL and business partner is a female Dominant. I have, in - to date - four instances, had a hand in training newly aware female Dominants. (Another subject for another post.)

This is called Real Life Experience, knowing and understanding your subject matter by living it. Every single day.

So, the next time someone asks you, “What is the difference between a Femdom and a female Dominant?” what will be the first thing that comes to your mind?

Oh, by the way, remember those four examples above? Still curious about which is which?

Here’s your answer: The couples are all of the above – depending on what they happen to be doing at any given time. The ONLY thing they have in common is that within each dynamic, there is a female who is the Dominant partner in the relationship.

See, it’s not that hard to understand.