The "Myth" of Femdom

When I say the words “female Dominant” to you, what is the first thought that comes into your mind?

1.            Do you have a mental picture of a woman dressed in leather, wielding a whip, standing with her foot encased in CFM thigh-high boots on the throat of the naked man (or woman) lying at her feet?

Or…

2.            Do you have a mental picture of a woman who dresses no different than any other walking down the street with a man (or woman) who is very clearly her partner but may be walking a step or two behind her, who (among other things) opens a door for her and allows her to precede him?

Or…

3.            Do you have a mental picture of a couple unmistakably devoted to one another and it is clear that the female in this dynamic is the one “in charge”?

Or…

4.            Do you have a mental picture of no particular couple you pass on the street and wouldn’t give a second glance to because there is really nothing out of the truly ordinary about them?

These are just four scenarios put forth for your consideration. Guess what? In each one, there is a little bit of myth and a little bit of truth with one common bottom line – The woman is the Dominant partner.

And guess what else? All four dynamics describe D/s (Dominant/submissive), M/s (Master/slave), T/b (Top/bottom) dynamics of couples who happen to be friends of mine and all of whom just happen to be long-time members of the BDSM Community.

Now, for the 100 billion dollar question. Are you ready? Can you guess which is which? I’ll bet you thought #1 was the M/s couple, #2 the D/s couple, #3 the T/b couple, and #4 vanilla as vanilla could ever be. Well, surprise (or maybe not) – you are W.R.O.N.G.

Moral of the story: Appearances really are deceiving. So are preconceptions and assumptions.

And, just so we cover a lot of other bases – Femdom porn is bullshit. 

So why am I writing about the “myth” of  the Femdom, or put much more accurately, the “myth” of the female Dominant? I’ll give you the short version…

Last night, in a group I thoroughly enjoy on Facebook, a friend asked the question, “What is the difference between a Femdom and a female Dominant?” The discussion got very interesting with some very thoughtful, insightful comments…until…(and you just knew that was coming, didn’t you)…

Until one of the respondents - who just happened to be male - but I assure you, his gender had nothing to do with my disquiet - said some things that struck an extremely raw nerve with me. Among his assertions:  a) the femdom gets off on humiliation and ball busting men. (WTF?! Oh, no, he did. NOT. Just say that!!), and b) to justify assertion (a) after the BS flag was thrown by me and others in the thread - if one inquired within the BDSM Community about what a Femdom is…wait for it…99% of the Community would agree with his humiliation/ball busting description.

Oh, and said individual has 35 years experience in the Community, has written a book, is the pre-eminent authority on all things BDSM, and his way is the only way because he says so. (In the interest of accuracy and full disclosure – He has written a book. I can’t vouch for the rest of the information.)

Cue the sound of a bomb exploding. Yes, folks, that missile trail you saw in the sky last night was my head exploding as it rocketed into outer space.

Enter from stage wherever they happened to be at the time the members of The-You-Had-Better-Believe-That-Is-BULLSHIT Squad followed by the There-Is-No-Such-Thing-As-One-Twue-Way-In-BDSM Army.

Tymber Dalton, a very well-known author of BDSM fiction (among many other works, The Reluctant Dom - held as nearly iconic within the Community) and who LIVES the lifestyle, continues to spread the word about the “True Rules of BDSM”, quoted here with her permission:

Safety Note: By "rules" I'm not talking safety issues (bio-hazard precautions for needle play, safety issues for fire/wax play, strangulation/drop hazards for suspension play, no handcuffs for suspension, where/how to use implements as not to cause serious injury, etc.).

Rule One: Everyone involved in the play MUST be a CONSENTING adult. If their consent withdraws during play, play STOPS.

Rule Two: No one must be HARMED (physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally) by the play. (Hurt and harmed are two different things. They might WANT to be hurt. Harmed is lasting damage beyond the play.)

Rule Three: Everyone must either be having fun and/or getting what they need from the play.

Simple, direct, to the point, and accurate. (And I agree wholeheartedly and very enthusiastically.)

So, back on track here. Why is the depiction/assumption that female Dominants always humiliate men and bust their balls such a hot-button issue with me?

Well, the short answer is – because it’s total screaming, flaming, idiotic bullshit.

So, here’s the straight scoop, the truth, the real thing, the honest, no-bullshit answer to the question.

Female Dominants aka Femdoms/Dommes/Mistresses – call them by whatever label you like - are NO DIFFERENT than male Dominants, and a Femdom is nothing more than a DOMINANT within a relationship dynamic who just happens to be FEMALE.

Female + Dominant = Femdom

It’s that simple, that direct, to the point, and just that accurate.

Whatever dynamic you see in a relationship dynamic in which the dominant partner is female is whatever the participants in the dynamic have agreed upon between themselves. Same as when the male is the dominant partner in a relationship dynamic.

How do I know this to be accurate?

I LIVE the D/s life. However, while I classify myself as a submissive within the lifestyle, I submit ONLY to Sir Sayanov, kneel ONLY to Sir Sayanov, cleave ONLY to Sir Sayanov, serve ONLY Sir Sayanov, and with two exceptions (both Masters under whom Sir Sayanov and I have trained), call only one other Dominant/Master in my life Sir in any context – Sir Sayanov. In every single other aspect of my life, make no mistake, I am a Dominant in every sense of the word.

Within the Community, I have friends who are female Dominants. My absolute BFFL and business partner is a female Dominant. I have, in - to date - four instances, had a hand in training newly aware female Dominants. (Another subject for another post.)

This is called Real Life Experience, knowing and understanding your subject matter by living it. Every single day.

So, the next time someone asks you, “What is the difference between a Femdom and a female Dominant?” what will be the first thing that comes to your mind?

Oh, by the way, remember those four examples above? Still curious about which is which?

Here’s your answer: The couples are all of the above – depending on what they happen to be doing at any given time. The ONLY thing they have in common is that within each dynamic, there is a female who is the Dominant partner in the relationship.

See, it’s not that hard to understand.