Back to the Real World

My head was somewhere in the stratosphere and at the same time, I didn't want to leave.  Real Life was 24 hours away and it was time to go home.  Mixed feelings is an understatement.  Master, Mistress, ears, and dew felt like family.  As I write this, I miss them.  I knew I was leaving a small part of me behind – just like hundreds before me.  I was sure of one thing – I was leaving a totally different person from the one who arrived.  

It was a perfect day for the drive back home.  Crystal clear, not too hot.  We would be on the road for eight hours, but rather than fight the traffic in the I-95 corridor, we took I-81 through mountains, hills, and farm, wine and horse country. 

I was still riding the high and knew my reaction time wasn't the best, so Sir made it clear that He would be doing the driving. I was good with that; I'm not a big fan of driving anyway.  (A 200 mile/day round trip commute for years will do that to a person.)  And we talked like we hadn't talked in years – about everything. 

Were our lives going to change?  How would life change?  Did we want our lives to change?   What did this mean to Him?  To me?  What did we expect from each other? 

Looking at our lives in a new context now that the puzzle had been put together, we realized that we had already been living a D/s dynamic for the most part – more than we thought.  The problem was that I had been in the Dom position.  Well, not anymore - thank goodness. Now that we had some perspective, some of the little things began to make more sense. 

Sir complained on a regular basis about the fact that I was always putting myself second to Him and His needs and wants.  Now He began to understand that I wasn't putting myself second.  I was making sure my needs were being met by seeing to it that He was cared for in all ways.  This was what made me happy. 

But, Saya, it can't always be about me.

It isn't, Sir.  When we're together it IS about you in my mind and my heart.  When we're apart, I take care of me and do what I want to do.  But, you have to understand that when I'm caring for you, serving you, I do so because it's what I want, what I need.  You really are the center of my world.  

Sir was coming to understand certain facets of my behavior and why I did some of the things I did.  Yes, I was bratting out because a firmer hand was needed.  I didn't recognize it as that, but Master picked up on it almost immediately.  Once I understood, suddenly a lot of things in our marriage began to make more sense. Why I would get so angry about having to make so many decisions in our relationship.  Why there were times when I felt so cast adrift. 

Sir confessed some of His frustrations and it became very apparent that we had been working at cross purposes almost from the beginning.  No, the practical things probably wouldn't change.  I'd still pay the bills, keep the house, do most of the cooking. (Sir admits that I'm a wizard with money as well as being the better cook.)  Sir would take care of the yard and gardens.  (I have a black thumb and He can grow all types of plants anywhere.)

The relationship dynamic was going to change and in a major way.  We were basically going to start from the ground up and rebuild.  This was going to be about us and not about what we thought was demanded by society.  No more worrying about what other people thought.  This was our life and it began right here, right now.  

Did I understand that what I wanted and how I felt was still just as important as it had always been?  Yes, I did. Did I understand that from this point forward, Sir would be making the decisions and, once made, they were final?  Yes, I did.  Then, this was the first day of the rest of our lives and, this time, we would get it right.

As the trip went on, it dawned on me that I was feeling completely different from how I'd felt on the drive up to New York.  I was calmer.  My head was quieter.  I wasn't concerned about details.  I felt like I was wrapped in a warm, fuzzy blanket. 

There was something else that was different now, too. 

When we would be coming home from a vacation trip, I would have this feeling of pressure.  It was time to start thinking about real life and all of the concerns that went with it.  Getting out of the vacation headspace and back into real life headspace - I never liked that feeling.

This time, I felt like I was ready to get back to real life.  Oh, there was a lot of work ahead; rebuilding a relationship is not simple.  I finally figured out that what I was feeling was optimism.  Sir and I had a good life and a strong, loving marriage.  I remembered thinking it really couldn't get better.

At some point during that drive back home, I began to realize it was going to get better. 

Is this what Happily Ever After feels like?  Hmmmmm...not bad...I could get used to this.

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From me to you:

Thank you, dear reader, for your kind comments and compliments.   Thank you, too, for coming along on this journey with me.  It is far from over.  If you're so inclined, stick around.  I'll be writing about everything from my job to the pitfalls of aging and its impact on BDSM play. 

Think the topic of FSoG's impact on the lifestyle has been beat to death?  Yes, I'll be talking about the book's impact on the perception of BDSM in the vanilla community.  (Some of my vanilla friends have figured out what my "necklace" is not just a necklace.)

Think life has become a bed of roses, chains and chocolate?  So, what happens when a D/s couple has a battle of wills?  It's nothing like fiction, that's for sure.

Real life, bills, vet bills, arthritis, bills, working late, too much work and not enough play, bills. 

If you  think kids' toys are expensive, you ain't seen nothin' yet...

Books, books and more books.  I'm an outspoken, voracious reader.  I'm also a literary fangirl and you know what that means...

Then, there's the vanilla world's perception that submissives are subjugated.  With apologies to Jack Nicholson (and a grin to rival his Joker):  "Just wait'll they get a load o' me..."

Real men don't beat women?  Wanna bet?

So, hang out. We do have good cookies and chocolate, and ice cream (yes, real Blue Bell Ice Cream). 

If you have questions, please feel free to ask.  I'll certainly try to answer.

More to come...um...I mean...well, no pun intended...

Next:  Subdrop