More than a Marriage

3 a.m., Sunday morning...

I woke up feeling like my heart was going to pound its way out of my chest.  Oh, good-ee, an anxiety attack. Just breathe and relax...in...out...in...out...

I finally got myself calmed down without too much of a freak-out.  It didn't take me long to figure out why I was going nuts-o.  What in the bloody hell was I about to do?  Pledge myself and take a permanent collar.  Oh, crap on a cracker.  I actually felt my heart rate start to go up again.  What was the matter with me?  I didn't even feel this way before I got married.  Wait a minute...Well, duh...

Okay, Saya, think about this.

I've been married twice.  The first time was totally FUBAR and never should have happened.  If I had my life to live over again (of course, knowing then what I know now) I would have run the other way.  Think the most gorgeous Viking raider you can imagine.  Yeah, that was my ex-, and he wouldn't know emotion if it walked up and bit him. He made Spock look like an emotional train wreck.  And that was the least of the issues.  I married him young to get out of an incredibly abusive situation and was pretty much a nutcase myself.  Got divorced, got a lot of therapy and finally got my head straightened out.

The second time...No joke – love at first sight.  So help me.  We met on a Friday night, played chess on Saturday, walked through probably 10 miles of parkland around where we live on Sunday, started watching Monday Night Football and never saw the end of the game (:::wagging eyebrows:::)  and we've been together every day since.  We married about three months after we met.  We have been through some of the most horrendous things one can imagine that would have broken up 99 percent of most couples.  These tribulations have only made us grow closer together.  We have an incredible marriage.  No, it's not all roses and candy, but we are soul mates, heart mates, and the center of each other's existence.

Yet, even so, I've always held a small part of myself back.  Between male and female parental units and the first marriage catastrophe, I have trust issues – very HUGE trust issues.  I'm the original Fox Mulder.  My motto:  Trust No One.  All the therapy in the world has not been able to eradicate that.  Good grief, Charlie Brown, my job even deals with a form of paranoia.  My primary job (oh, please gods and goddesses, may I eventually retire and devote 100 percent of my work life to editing books) is in IT security.  See what I mean?

Now, marriage has an escape clause; it's called divorce.  Been there, done that.  It was not pretty, but I survived.  In fact, a marriage has a larger probability to fail than succeed.  Another little ditty:  People actually plan for marriage failure – can we say prenup?  And, if the marriage fails, it isn't like the parties are going to be tarred, feathered and run outta town. 

Permanent collaring?  That's a whole 'nother situation, Skippy.   

Pledging oneself in a permanently collared relationship entails complete, total, unreserved, absolute honesty and trust, in addition to completely open, cannot-hide-anything communication.  There are no secrets, no half-truths, no lies by omission, no prevarication.  This is straight-up, no bullshit time, campers.  And if one is uncollared after giving and receiving a permanent collar, there are some parts of the Community that WILL ostracize the parties or the party who request release.  A permanent collar is still taken seriously in the BDSM community. I freely admit that I am very old school about the permanent collar. 

Here I sat at 3 a.m. with my stomach in knots.  I was about to make one of the biggest commitments in my life – second only to giving birth.  I was going to pledge myself heart, mind, body and, yes, soul, to the man lying next to me for the rest of my natural life.  I was about to hand over a substantial part of myself, my complete trust and even a large part of my independence, to one individual. If this didn't work out, there would be very major repercussions to us both. Repercussions not just within the community;  I knew if Sir uncollared me, it could, and probably would, destroy me.

Oh, and let's not forget, this pledge (witnessed by two very highly respected members in the Community no less) would entail literally letting go of any reservations I ever had about a relationship with another person.  There were no do-overs and no take-backs here. 

So, this is what "cold feet" feels like...

Okay, self, let's break this down.   

Look at what the two of us have been through in the last twenty years.  Death.  Betrayal. Sickness. Experienced the true underbelly of humanity through no fault of our own.  Bankruptcy.  Being on the brink - twice.  Those things all line the bottom of the pit.  Then, there are grandchildren, an amazing child, professional success, coming back from the brink - twice, a solid marriage, the hard-won achievement of some measure of sanity and contentment and, most of all, the love we have for each other.  This is the light that keeps us warm and the foundation on which we live our lives.  If we've already weathered just about every major catastrophe life can throw at us and come out stronger than before, then we must have a pretty solid relationship. 

As independent as I have been for my entire life, was I really ready and willing to place my life totally into someone else's hands? 

Light. Bulb.  (Oh, wait, maybe that's the sun coming up.  Naaahhhhhh, Light Bulb of Awareness and the sun coming up...)

Our relationship, married or not, collared or not, is what WE make it.  My submission is MY choice.  Sir's acceptance is HIS choice.  It's not like we don't understand what these choices entail, both consequences and benefits. 

Maybe this was exactly what has been missing.  Maybe this is exactly what we both need to feel complete. 

It really is just before sunrise and the sky is lightening up quite a bit.  I decide to take a necessary little trip and, when I very carefully get back into bed, I see Sir looking at me.  (God, He is incredibly sexy when He first wakes up!)

Sir:  Having second thoughts?

Yeah, a few.

He snuggles me down against him and wraps me in His wonderful arms. 

Sir:  I've had a couple, too, but we'll work through all of this.

Yeah, I know.  But, there's no out-clause here.

Sir:  I know that and I know you know that.  We’ve been through more in the time we've been together than most married couples go through in fifty years.  If that hasn't broken us up, nothing will.  This'll work because we'll make it work. 

Maybe it was what he said.  Maybe it was how he said it.  Maybe it was all of that and the way he held me.  Whatever it was suddenly wasn't all that important.  What was important was that I knew without any doubt we were doing the right thing – for us.  And we would make it work – our way. If He was gonna jump into the deep end of the pool then, by god, I was gonna jump right along with Him.

On Sunday morning, April 21^st at 9:30, under a crystal blue sky and white puffy clouds, with the breeze through the trees and chirping birds supplying the background music, I came to Sir on my knees to offer Him my Submission and Service, heart, mind, body and soul to hold until my last breath.  In exchange, His gift to me would be undying love, guidance, protection, honesty and trust until His last breath. In twenty years, it was only the second time I had ever seen him shed a tear.   

On my wedding day, I felt love, yes, but there was a part of me that was unsure.  On my collaring day, I felt something much deeper than love, and I was sure of what I was doing, why, and that it was absolutely the right thing.  There was no going back and that was okay. In fact, it was more than okay. 

A journey ten years in the making was finally about to begin in earnest.

Top:  The play collar in the House Sayanov colors.

Bottom:  My permanent collar.  When in very vanilla situations, the medallion can be turned to rest under my shirt collar at the back of my neck so that only the chain is visible.