Wearing
that collar put my head into a totally different place. In all honesty, it was the first time I had
ever felt truly submissive to Sir. And
it was a feeling I would not trade for all the money in the world. Yes, I was over the moon and then some.
When one is
a guest at LaDomaine Esemar, Master, Mistress and the slaves are there
24/7. If one is there for
training/mentoring/guidance, one is under the constant observation of Master
and Mistress. This gives Them the chance
to see the relationship dynamic in just about every situation one would
encounter in day-to-day life. As a
result, They can pinpoint issues (good and bad) with laser-like accuracy.
In our
case, it was working like a charm. I was
finally able to submit totally and completely to Sir without worrying about
anything other than serving Him. Master
and Mistress were working to help us both fine tune our D/s relationship and to
help Sir understand some of my leanings into the slave dynamic. They were able to observe, correct and teach
all in one seamless milieu.
But it
wasn't until I received the collar that I really understood what was, for me,
true submission in its purest form.
There was
also a subtle change (again) in Sir. He
was coming into His own.
The rest of
the afternoon was spent just relaxing and talking about everything under the
sun. I asked for and received permission
to talk with the two slaves in residence that weekend. I had noticed a sense of calm, peace, even
contentment about them. I also wanted to
find out if some of the feelings I was having were common to the headspace or
out of the ordinary.
Yes,
submission is unique to each and every individual, but there are some things
that seem to run along a common thread in those submissives I have talked with
before LaD and after our return.
Here are
some observations:
- Submission is in no way suppression or subjugation.
- Yes, there is an incredible freedom in total submission.
- The sense of peace and contentment that comes with Service is not unique.
- There are not hard and fast rules. The dynamic and degree are set by the participants in the relationship.
- To relinquish control, one must first be in control. This is about knowing oneself.
Does this
mean these points are true across the board?
No. They are true for Sir and for
me and within our dynamic. Most of all,
though, to be formally taken in hand by Sir and to wear the symbol of His
possession was the most incredible feeling I have ever experienced. Only holding my children for the first time
came close. I go back and read those
words and they are so inadequate.
Language and its limitations again... My mind was finally beginning to
accept that we were truly on the right path in our lives. At last...
***
The
negotiations were done, the plans for the scene in place. Another incredible dinner was finished. (The glazed pears were to die for – another
recipe I have got to get for my collection.)
And we had solved all of the world's problems over good food, excellent
wine and delicious coffee. It was time
to adjourn to the Dungeon.
Before
going down this time, I took Sir aside.
I think I wanted to reassure myself more than Him. I knew this would be very intense for
Him. We were both about to see just how
far my limits could be pushed. Every
possible contingency had been discussed, dissected and planned for – or so we
thought. One thing about BDSM one will
learn quickly is that one should always expect the unexpected...
Several
years ago, under the hands of Master A, I had experienced a cathartic
whipping. It was an absolutely
incredible experience. I had suffered a
traumatic experience that I had not processed and the cathartic whipping
unlocked a number of doors I had been unable to open for a whole lot of reasons. From an emotional/trauma standpoint, I
thought I had pretty much taken care of things then.
The mind can be a very tricky thing.
What
follows is what I remember.
The lights
are on in the Dungeon. Mistress, Sir, a
slave and I enter the designated playspace.
I take my place in one corner and assume the standing ready position to
remain until directed otherwise. Slave
is hanging chains from the beam above which have cuffs on either end. I hear Mistress and Sir speaking but cannot
understand what they are saying.
Mistress is also directing Slave in exactly how She wants the chains
hung. As I hear the music of the links
of the moving chains, my mind begins to enter the zone. I know this scene is going to be intense –
very intense.
I must prepare myself.
While Mistress, Sir and Slave are setting up,
I am allowed to look around and get my bearings. One part of me is definitely taking in what
is going on around me, but there is another part that is beginning to even out
my breathing and beginning to run the chant in my mind that will take me to a
calming place and quiet my thoughts. I
begin to focus on Mistress' voice so that I can tune out everything else. I am beginning to experience a heightened
awareness, but it is focused entirely on Mistress.
Mistress
approaches me and stands in front of me.
This is the last time I will look Her directly in the eye until after
the scene is over. Her gaze is intense
and I find it very hard to maintain eye contact. I remember the descriptions some have attributed to Dominants. It just may be true that they can see into your soul. I lower my eyes and she touches my cheek.
Mistress: Eyes down.
Good girl. Come over and stand
before your Sir.
Yes,
Mistress. I comply.
Sir: Saya, eyes on me.
This is the
signal that the scene has now begun. My
mind sinks deeper, my only desire to serve and obey.
Sir: Do you have any questions before we begin?
No, Sir.
Sir: What are your safewords?
Red to halt
the scene. Yellow if there is a problem
or concern. Green to show all is well.
Sir: Good girl.
You understand that Mistress will be conducting the scene. Do you trust Her without reservation? Do you give your consent?
I do, Sir. I give my consent, and I understand.
Sir: You have your safeword and cautionword. Use them if you need to.
There is a
subtle shift and Mistress is now in complete control.
Mistress: Eyes down, slave saya. You will not speak further unless you are
answering a direct question or you need to use your safewords. Do you understand?
Yes,
Mistress. I understand.
Mistress: In addition to your safewords, you may ask
for mercy on any portion of your body by saying the following: Mistress, this slave asks for mercy on
(whatever body part). Do you understand?
Yes,
Mistress. I understand.
Mistress: Slave, strip.
As I
comply, I think to myself that I now understand the meaning of the phrase "the
atmosphere was charged, almost electric".
Yes, it is that and more. I feel
the first release of dopamine and adrenalin.
My mind is focused solely on Mistress now. I am directed to my right and stand in front
of a mirror. Mistress lifts my left arm
and secures my left wrist into the lined leather cuffs hanging from the chains
overhead. My eyes close and I feel her
lift my right arm and secure my right wrist in the cuff. I begin to tremble. After securing my wrists in the cuffs, I feel
the bars for handholds and grip them as though my life depends on it. The
sensation of anticipation is overwhelming and those handholds are my anchor.
Mistress: I am now going to blindfold you, slave. You may notice that your already heightened
senses will become even more acute.
The
blindfold is secured and I am now in total darkness. For what seems like several moments, there is
no sound at all in the room. It feels
like every cell in my body is awake and aware.
There are now muted sounds behind me.
Suddenly, literally out of nowhere is the sound to my left of implements
being placed on a wooden surface. Yes,
there was a table there.
Oh, sweet
Christ, what is She going to use?
The
trembling is now outright shaking. I
remain absolutely still – or as still as possible.
Mistress
touches my cheek with one hand and I feel her other hand stroke down my
spine. It is oddly soothing and
stimulating at the same time.
Mistress: Calm, slave.
Breathe...What color, slave?
Green, Mistress.
Her voice
touches something very deep and I feel myself begin to breathe in time with
Her. Yes, it is calming me.
Just as I
think I'm getting a handle on myself I feel her lips against my left ear.
Mistress: Slave, I'm going to do things to you tonight
that you have never even imagined. Are
you ready to begin?
Yes,
Mistress. Thank You.
I feel her
face at my neck and she inhales deeply.
I know she is taking my scent.
She will do this several times throughout the scene. Scent is a gauge. She touches me and I feel her tongue on my
cheek. She is tasting my skin. Another gauge. I feel her hands. Touch.
Another gauge. Sight, sound,
touch, taste, smell. The link begins to
establish itself.
Mistress: You have your safewords and caution words and
instructions for mercy. One more time,
do you consent?
Yes,
Mistress, I consent.
Mistress: Then, let us begin.
I feel her
step back. Even the air doesn't move now
except at Her command. I know this.
I hear the
first sounds as the falls of the flogger move through the air and create their
own song. My mind embraces the sound and
then the feel as the air moves against my back.
There is a sense of something I cannot describe – the only words that
come close are 'eager anticipation'. I
want to feel the fingers of the flogger against my skin. I need
to feel its caress...
My need is
met and a wish granted.
What ensues
is hot, cold, exciting, painful, exquisite, sensual, breath-taking, ethereal,
mind-bending and a thousand other things I will probably never be able to
describe. Just as I had thought. It was approaching epic.
At some
point, I am unchained, but not allowed release.
Oh, dear god, the need is almost painful. I am moved to another area. Still blindfolded, I don't know where I
am. My body literally feels like it's
singing.
The first
blow brings me roughly back from the edge and I'm definitely back in the real
world. A paddle? A belt?
A cane? A crop? I don't know and, oddly, I really don't care. Sensations are melding and I'm feeling my
mind go off in another direction, completely different than before. I'm beginning to feel the sexual heat again,
but there is something at the edge.
That
something is not pleasant. It begins as
a feeling of fear, yes, fear deep inside.
Something is taking shape in my mind.
I'm literally feeling myself split into two people.
Oh, dear
god, please, not now, please not now.
No, please not now.
The
14-year-old girl is feeling immense anger, unlike anything she has ever felt
before. If the bitch strikes her again,
she will rip the belt from her hands and strangle the bitch with it. The blows fall again, and again, and
again. The woman tries to understand
what is happening, and feels the girl reach out and feels the end of the belt
snap around her wrist as she grabs it from the hand of her tormenter. The woman knows this is a memory, but she
cannot stop the progression. She hears
the distant voice. Mistress. She tries to grab hold and pull herself back
but the girl's anger overwhelms the woman.
There are two distinct things taking place and the woman is becoming
frightened. If it doesn't stop, the
anger will overtake her again and she knows someone will get hurt.
Oh, please
god, no more, not that. Not now, please
not now.
The girl
yells at her tormenter and the woman hears her own voice:
MISTRESS,
HELP ME! I'M TRIGGERING!
The
floodgates are now open. A count. A voice.
Strong arms. Light. Warmth.
The voice again, soothing, the anchor, the feel of the arms and my eyes
open and I am immediately aware of the Dungeon, Mistress has me held tightly as
I come back from the nightmare.
The one
thing we hadn't planned for, that I had never even imagined would happen. My mind went to a place I thought I had
purged a long, long time ago. Mistress
is my anchor in the raging wind.
Next: Aftercare
No words. So powerful...
ReplyDeleteHoly God, Ekatarina. That was immensely powerful. I hope it turned out well and you were able to find a way through. Beautifully written in any case and a great description of your experience. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm soooo appreciating how you are openly sharing a traumatic experience. I know how difficult it is. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI'd be scared witless. Glad you made it through okay.
ReplyDeleteMy heart started beating so fast! I could feel your fear. On only one occasion that I'm really aware of have I felt triggered. I've wondered, but happily not obsessed about what could trigger a sense memo?
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing that experience, Saya. Wow. I was riveted to the screen as I read. So intense. Words fail me, but you captured the emotions so well. Glad your experience exceeded even your high expectations. How perfect to have Mistress be the one in charge of the scene. I hope it helped you redirect the emotions of the negative experience from the past and that the past event will have less power over you.
ReplyDeleteKally