Even the Best Laid Plans

Wearing that collar put my head into a totally different place.  In all honesty, it was the first time I had ever felt truly submissive to Sir.  And it was a feeling I would not trade for all the money in the world.  Yes, I was over the moon and then some.

When one is a guest at LaDomaine Esemar, Master, Mistress and the slaves are there 24/7.  If one is there for training/mentoring/guidance, one is under the constant observation of Master and Mistress.  This gives Them the chance to see the relationship dynamic in just about every situation one would encounter in day-to-day life.  As a result, They can pinpoint issues (good and bad) with laser-like accuracy. 

In our case, it was working like a charm.  I was finally able to submit totally and completely to Sir without worrying about anything other than serving Him.  Master and Mistress were working to help us both fine tune our D/s relationship and to help Sir understand some of my leanings into the slave dynamic.  They were able to observe, correct and teach all in one seamless milieu. 

But it wasn't until I received the collar that I really understood what was, for me, true submission in its purest form. 

There was also a subtle change (again) in Sir.  He was coming into His own. 

The rest of the afternoon was spent just relaxing and talking about everything under the sun.  I asked for and received permission to talk with the two slaves in residence that weekend.  I had noticed a sense of calm, peace, even contentment about them.  I also wanted to find out if some of the feelings I was having were common to the headspace or out of the ordinary. 

Yes, submission is unique to each and every individual, but there are some things that seem to run along a common thread in those submissives I have talked with before LaD and after our return.

Here are some observations:

• Submission is in no way suppression or subjugation.
• Yes, there is an incredible freedom in total submission.
• The sense of peace and contentment that comes with Service is not unique.
• There are not hard and fast rules.  The dynamic and degree are set by the participants in the relationship.
• To relinquish control, one must first be in control.  This is about knowing oneself.

Does this mean these points are true across the board?  No.  They are true for Sir and for me and within our dynamic.  Most of all, though, to be formally taken in hand by Sir and to wear the symbol of His possession was the most incredible feeling I have ever experienced.  Only holding my children for the first time came close.  I go back and read those words and they are so inadequate.  Language and its limitations again... My mind was finally beginning to accept that we were truly on the right path in our lives.  At last...

***

The negotiations were done, the plans for the scene in place.  Another incredible dinner was finished.  (The glazed pears were to die for – another recipe I have got to get for my collection.)  And we had solved all of the world's problems over good food, excellent wine and delicious coffee.  It was time to adjourn to the Dungeon.

Before going down this time, I took Sir aside.  I think I wanted to reassure myself more than Him.  I knew this would be very intense for Him.  We were both about to see just how far my limits could be pushed.  Every possible contingency had been discussed, dissected and planned for – or so we thought.  One thing about BDSM one will learn quickly is that one should always expect the unexpected...

Several years ago, under the hands of Master A, I had experienced a cathartic whipping.  It was an absolutely incredible experience.  I had suffered a traumatic experience that I had not processed and the cathartic whipping unlocked a number of doors I had been unable to open for a whole lot of reasons.  From an emotional/trauma standpoint, I thought I had pretty much taken care of things then.   

The mind can be a very tricky thing.

What follows is what I remember. 

The lights are on in the Dungeon.  Mistress, Sir, a slave and I enter the designated playspace.  I take my place in one corner and assume the standing ready position to remain until directed otherwise.  Slave is hanging chains from the beam above which have cuffs on either end.  I hear Mistress and Sir speaking but cannot understand what they are saying.  Mistress is also directing Slave in exactly how She wants the chains hung.  As I hear the music of the links of the moving chains, my mind begins to enter the zone.  I know this scene is going to be intense – very intense.   

I must prepare myself.   

While Mistress, Sir and Slave are setting up, I am allowed to look around and get my bearings.  One part of me is definitely taking in what is going on around me, but there is another part that is beginning to even out my breathing and beginning to run the chant in my mind that will take me to a calming place and quiet my thoughts.  I begin to focus on Mistress' voice so that I can tune out everything else.  I am beginning to experience a heightened awareness, but it is focused entirely on Mistress. 

Mistress approaches me and stands in front of me.  This is the last time I will look Her directly in the eye until after the scene is over.  Her gaze is intense and I find it very hard to maintain eye contact. I remember the descriptions some have attributed to Dominants.  It just may be true that they can see into your soul.  I lower my eyes and she touches my cheek.

Mistress:  Eyes down.  Good girl.  Come over and stand before your Sir.

Yes, Mistress.  I comply. 

Sir:  Saya, eyes on me. 

This is the signal that the scene has now begun.  My mind sinks deeper, my only desire to serve and obey.

Sir:  Do you have any questions before we begin?

No, Sir.

Sir:  What are your safewords?

Red to halt the scene.  Yellow if there is a problem or concern.  Green to show all is well.

Sir:  Good girl.  You understand that Mistress will be conducting the scene.  Do you trust Her without reservation?  Do you give your consent?

I do, Sir.  I give my consent, and I understand.

Sir:  You have your safeword and cautionword.  Use them if you need to.

There is a subtle shift and Mistress is now in complete control.

Mistress:  Eyes down, slave saya.  You will not speak further unless you are answering a direct question or you need to use your safewords.  Do you understand?

Yes, Mistress.  I understand.

Mistress:  In addition to your safewords, you may ask for mercy on any portion of your body by saying the following:  Mistress, this slave asks for mercy on (whatever body part).  Do you understand?

Yes, Mistress.  I understand.

Mistress:  Slave, strip.

As I comply, I think to myself that I now understand the meaning of the phrase "the atmosphere was charged, almost electric".  Yes, it is that and more.  I feel the first release of dopamine and adrenalin.  My mind is focused solely on Mistress now.  I am directed to my right and stand in front of a mirror.  Mistress lifts my left arm and secures my left wrist into the lined leather cuffs hanging from the chains overhead.  My eyes close and I feel her lift my right arm and secure my right wrist in the cuff.  I begin to tremble.  After securing my wrists in the cuffs, I feel the bars for handholds and grip them as though my life depends on it. The sensation of anticipation is overwhelming and those handholds are my anchor.

Mistress:  I am now going to blindfold you, slave.  You may notice that your already heightened senses will become even more acute. 

The blindfold is secured and I am now in total darkness.  For what seems like several moments, there is no sound at all in the room.  It feels like every cell in my body is awake and aware.  There are now muted sounds behind me.  Suddenly, literally out of nowhere is the sound to my left of implements being placed on a wooden surface.  Yes, there was a table there. 

Oh, sweet Christ, what is She going to use?

The trembling is now outright shaking.  I remain absolutely still – or as still as possible. 

Mistress touches my cheek with one hand and I feel her other hand stroke down my spine.  It is oddly soothing and stimulating at the same time. 

Mistress:  Calm, slave.  Breathe...What color, slave?

Green, Mistress.

Her voice touches something very deep and I feel myself begin to breathe in time with Her.  Yes, it is calming me. 

Just as I think I'm getting a handle on myself I feel her lips against my left ear.

Mistress:  Slave, I'm going to do things to you tonight that you have never even imagined.  Are you ready to begin?

Yes, Mistress.  Thank You.

I feel her face at my neck and she inhales deeply.  I know she is taking my scent.  She will do this several times throughout the scene.  Scent is a gauge.  She touches me and I feel her tongue on my cheek.  She is tasting my skin.  Another gauge.  I feel her hands.  Touch.  Another gauge.  Sight, sound, touch, taste, smell.  The link begins to establish itself. 

Mistress:  You have your safewords and caution words and instructions for mercy.  One more time, do you consent?

Yes, Mistress, I consent.

Mistress:  Then, let us begin.

I feel her step back.  Even the air doesn't move now except at Her command.  I know this.

I hear the first sounds as the falls of the flogger move through the air and create their own song.  My mind embraces the sound and then the feel as the air moves against my back.  There is a sense of something I cannot describe – the only words that come close are 'eager anticipation'.  I want to feel the fingers of the flogger against my skin.  I need to feel its caress...

My need is met and a wish granted. 

What ensues is hot, cold, exciting, painful, exquisite, sensual, breath-taking, ethereal, mind-bending and a thousand other things I will probably never be able to describe.  Just as I had thought.  It was approaching epic.

At some point, I am unchained, but not allowed release.  Oh, dear god, the need is almost painful.  I am moved to another area.  Still blindfolded, I don't know where I am.  My body literally feels like it's singing. 

The first blow brings me roughly back from the edge and I'm definitely back in the real world.  A paddle?  A belt?  A cane?  A crop?  I don't know and, oddly, I really don't care.  Sensations are melding and I'm feeling my mind go off in another direction, completely different than before.  I'm beginning to feel the sexual heat again, but there is something at the edge. 

That something is not pleasant.  It begins as a feeling of fear, yes, fear deep inside.  Something is taking shape in my mind.  I'm literally feeling myself split into two people. 

Oh, dear god, please, not now, please not now.  No, please not now.

The 14-year-old girl is feeling immense anger, unlike anything she has ever felt before.  If the bitch strikes her again, she will rip the belt from her hands and strangle the bitch with it.  The blows fall again, and again, and again.  The woman tries to understand what is happening, and feels the girl reach out and feels the end of the belt snap around her wrist as she grabs it from the hand of her tormenter.  The woman knows this is a memory, but she cannot stop the progression.  She hears the distant voice.  Mistress.  She tries to grab hold and pull herself back but the girl's anger overwhelms the woman.  There are two distinct things taking place and the woman is becoming frightened.  If it doesn't stop, the anger will overtake her again and she knows someone will get hurt. 

Oh, please god, no more, not that.  Not now, please not now.

The girl yells at her tormenter and the woman hears her own voice: 

MISTRESS, HELP ME! I'M TRIGGERING!

The floodgates are now open.  A count.  A voice.  Strong arms.  Light.  Warmth.  The voice again, soothing, the anchor, the feel of the arms and my eyes open and I am immediately aware of the Dungeon, Mistress has me held tightly as I come back from the nightmare. 

The one thing we hadn't planned for, that I had never even imagined would happen.  My mind went to a place I thought I had purged a long, long time ago.  Mistress is my anchor in the raging wind. 

Next:  Aftercare