Aftercare

Mistress:  It's not your fault.  Shhh...shhhh...It's not your fault.

Her voice brings me back and the tears fall.  I don't even try to control them because I know control isn't possible.  She holds me tight and her voice is soothing, becoming a focus for my messed up mind. 

I'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorry...I'm so sorry, Mistress...

Mistress:  Shhh...it's not your fault.  You have nothing to apologize for.   Shhhhh....

I feel something soft surround me and then what I know are Sir's arms as I am helped to my feet. A part of me is sharply aware of what is going on around me and another part is confused and extremely upset.  The whirlwind in my head is slowing such that I can now put two thoughts together.  Mistress and Sir are talking as I'm being guided elsewhere. 

Why do they keep telling me it's not my fault?

I am kneeling and holding a very soft blanket.  I see Sir's feet in front of me, His shoes almost touching my knees.  Sir's hand is resting on my head.  Mistress is also close by.

Mistress:  Slave saya, keep your eyes down and tell me what you're feeling right this minute.

Confusion. Anger. Sorrow. Regret. Anger. Why now?

Sir strokes my cheek but does not speak.

Mistress:  You have experienced a flashback caused by body memory.  Do you understand body memory?

Yes, Mistress. 

(When traumatized, if the trauma is not processed completely, the body and subconscious mind remember every movement and feeling from the trauma even though the conscious mind may have locked it away.  The person thinks everything has been neatly resolved, but this is not always the case.  If not thoroughly processed, the mind, in its own devious way, will process it eventually, whether we want it to or not.  This is the flashback - the mind's way of processing trauma.  In the flashback, the person relives every horrible moment of the trauma again, and again, and again, until the mind is satisfied that adequate processing has been completed.)

Sir continues to stroke my cheek.  I lean into His hand.

Mistress:  You understand that you have no control over where your mind goes?

Yes, Mistress, I do.

Mistress:  Then, you understand that this was not your fault.  Do you also understand that what happened all those years ago was not your fault, either?

Yes, Mistress, I understand both things.  I thought I had reconciled all of this in therapy many years ago.  I didn't even imagine...

Mistress:  No, slave saya.  It wasn't your fault then and it isn't now.  No matter how carefully we plan, there is always the possibility that something will go sideways. This is why we take precautions and have safety rules in place.  When you are in your Dom's care, He is responsible for seeing to it that you both are safe or aware of the risks and take proactive measures to keep things under control.  You take a risk every time you get out of bed in the morning.  This really isn't any different. 

Mistress touches my other cheek.

Mistress:  How do you feel now, Saya?

The use of my name without the attribution "slave"  tells me the scene is over.  

I feel relieved, free, empty, Mistress.

Mistress:  You did very well tonight, for me and for Sir.  We are both very proud of you. 

Sir:  Yes, Saya.  You are my very good girl, my wife.  You're mine, and I'm very proud of you.

I feel the tears again.  I feel the warmth of the blanket on my skin.  I also feel a sense of pride in Their praise.  And, most of all, I feel the intense warmth of my Sir's love for me. 

The tears fall and there is silence for a time.  I realize that I've consumed an entire bottle of water when Sir helps me rise. Mistress is no longer in the room.

Sir:  Come on, babe.  We need to get you upstairs and in bed.  I'll need to get some ointment on those bruises.  Your back and ass are a beautiful red with some nice bruises for extra color.

I have been marked by Mistress in Service to Sir.  Yes, I am definitely proud of myself.  Those marks are like a badge of honor. 

The rest will work itself out on its own.

***

The bed was a godsend and the arnica another blessing.  I was riding the endorphins and adrenalin, and coming down very gently.  Sir said we wouldn't talk about the scene for a while.  He wanted to give me time to process everything.  We would talk about it, yes, just not right then.  The one thing He wanted me to understand was that the past was over and done with.  Memories could not be controlled, but I should just let them roll over me and know that I was safe with Him.  Our life was here and now.

What happened next came completely out of the blue.  

Sir presented me with a long, narrow box and asked me to open it.  I did so and inside was a beautiful sterling silver chain.  Secured to one of the links was a silver medallion about the size of a quarter.  It was engraved on one side: 

I belong to Sir

And on the other side:

He sets me free

I was speechless.

Sir:  This will be your day collar.  If you agree to wear my permanent collar and honor me with your submission, I would like to present this to you in front of witnesses before we leave tomorrow.  Master has agreed to officiate. 

I remember in that moment I thought I was living a dream.  This just didn't happen in real life.  Did it?  I will never forget what Sir said next.

Sir:  You had enough faith in me that you kept on for all this time.  I really do understand what you've been trying to tell me and teach me, Saya.  This is so much more than a marriage and I want this with you, but only you can make this decision. 

It was what I had always wanted with someone and I finally found it with Sir.  The dream was becoming reality – all I had to do was reach out and accept it.  Yes, I had been trying to guide Sir, even in my feeble, misguided way.  Yes, I had faith that He would eventually come into His own.  This was His way of showing me that He had enough faith in me to continue the journey.  I already loved this man with all my heart and soul.  How could I possibly love Him more?

When two people marry, somewhere inside they always hold a piece of themselves back.  Usually, no one ever gives every fiber of their being to another.  Not so here.  When a Dom permanently collars the submissive or the Master permanently collars the slave, this is an all or nothing proposition.  There are no half measures in this dynamic.  One person has decided to give everything of who they are to another and the person who receives that gift can only do so with their whole heart, mind, body and soul. 

The gift of submission is the ultimate gift the submissive or slave gives the Dom/me or Master/Mistress.

And in receiving that gift, the Dom/me, Master/Mistress gives the submissive/slave the gift of protection and a love like no other. 

It truly is an equal exchange among true equals. 

That was why I knelt before Sir and told Him that it would be MY honor to accept His permanent collar.

Next:  More than a marriage...