Revelation(s)

I finally got back to sleep even with all those questions whirling around in my head.  Saturday morning dawned clear and absolutely gorgeous on the mountain.  Sunshine, coffee, the best French toast I could ever remember having (I have got to get that recipe), fresh fruit and great conversation.  Yeah, it was gonna be a good day. 

I was journaling while on this trip because I knew there would be a lot of information to sort out later.  While Sir and Mistress and Master were going back and forth about techniques, types of toys and implements, ideas for pervertibles and (now my ears picked up) pushing limits, I was trying to remember the questions I'd asked myself the night before.  Master asked me what I was doing and I gave Him the rundown on my middle of the night musings.  This turned into a conversation on everything from porn to the women's movement.  (More posts for future dates; some of Master's observations were profound and extremely insightful.  Yes, I took notes, notes and more notes.)

In the meantime, I picked up on the discussion Mistress and Sir were having about recognizing physical signs in a sub during a scene.  Apparently, Master also now had more than half an ear tuned as well.  Sir had several sheets from a notepad in front of Him and He was asking Mistress several questions. (I wasn't the only one who'd been squirreling away notes...)

Everyone has probably had those moments in their lives when the light bulb goes off and it turns out it's a huge spotlight.  I'm talking about a major revelation, the answer to a question or problem that has been bugging them and finally sorts itself out.  And these moments come seemingly out of nowhere and smack you upside the head.  Well, this was about to be one of those.  For me it was one of those "there-is-no-way-you-could-make-this-shit-up" moments.

Remember the "real men don't hit women" musing?  It didn't take me long to pick up that this was exactly what Sir was talking about with Mistress.  The short version:  Sir was extremely concerned about hurting me and, while He wanted very much to meet my needs and desires, going much beyond a nice thuddy flogging or a butt-warming spanking was giving Him some serious angst.  Sensation play was never a problem, but impact play was something in a whole 'nother realm. 

This discussion led to dissecting the scene from the previous evening in minute detail that included a whole long list of physical manifestations that were observed and the mental evolutions as the scene progressed.  There was a long discussion about the fine line between pain and pleasure, what went on in the sub's head generally and in my head specifically.  There were a hundred points Sir and I had discussed many, many times over the last ten years and here we sat with two of the most experienced, well-respected individuals in the BDSM community having the same discussion.  Only this time, the result was a lot different.  Master and Mistress managed to explain to Sir perfectly what I had been trying in my misguided way to explain almost since the day I came out.  I always went at it from the perspective of my medical training.  Joe "Just the Facts" Friday would have been proud.  Yeah, technically I had it right, but how do you explain the emotional aspects to someone when you don't have that much experience in the emotional aspects.  Yeah, I can tell you exactly how a woman gives birth, but if I've never had a child, how the hell can I explain what she's feeling the first time she sees her little passenger in the flesh?  I can tell you how I felt when I caught that little passenger and realized he/she was healthy and perfectly formed, but that was not MY child.  Yeah, I was happy for mom and dad, and watching them interact with the new arrival was very touching.  But that wasn't MY child.  So, yeah, I could explain the physiology behind heavy impact play, but I'd never been taken up to or even close to my limits because Sir was afraid that he would "hurt" me. 

The night prior, Mistress had taken me farther than Sir had in the past and I definitely got a major endorphin/adrenalin/dopamine/serotonin high off the experience.  Shoot, I was still feelin' mighty good the next morning.  Throughout this conversation, I was struck by this feeling that it was amazing how Master and Mistress managed to climb into both our heads and answer questions before we even asked.  Twilight Zone moments were piling one on top of the other.  They were able to offer Sir the reassurance that I couldn't, the instruction that I couldn't because I could not think like a BDSM Dom/Master, answer questions for Sir that I couldn't because I simply didn't have the answers.  How do you describe a heart transplant to someone who doesn't understand the layout of the human body, never mind having never seen a heart transplant?  Yeah, that was exactly where I had been all these years.  This was a conversation between equals, individuals who thought alike and were working together to achieve the same result. 

And now, I'll tell you a little secret.  Watching the interchange between these three individuals was H-O-T.  Yeah, THAT kind of H-O-T.  And don't think for a single second Sir didn't pick up on my reaction.  It was interesting (and I suspect not just coincidental) that Master went to make some more coffee and Mistress excused herself on the premise that She was going to get some reference book for Sir.  When we were left alone in the room – albeit for just a few minutes – Sir turned and gave me The Look.

If you've ever read erotic romances with a BDSM twist, you've read passages where the male Dom/Master looks at the female sub with The Look.  It's a combination of white heat, pure, undiluted sexual want, passionate desire, and a promise of things to come.  Yep, The Look.  So, the Master/Dom gives His sub The Look and she feels her insides turn into a puddle of goo.  Oh, and the heat?  That was no hot flash, baby.  Nope.  God's honest truth – you could have cut the sexual tension in that room right then with a sword or a chainsaw.

Mistress did come back with a book and some pages she'd copied and handed them to Sir who mentioned that He needed to get his reading glasses which were sitting on the dresser in our room.  (Stick with me here.  This really is germane, I promise.)  I put my hand on his arm as I was getting up from the chair. 

Me:      I'll get them, Sir.  They're on the dresser.

Sir:       No, that's all right.  I'll get them.

Me:      Please, Sir.  Let me do this.

Sir:       Saya, I can get them.  Enjoy your coffee.

Mistress to Sir:  Wait.  Let her do this for you.

Sir was a little taken aback by this.

Sir to Mistress:  She doesn't have to wait on me. She isn't my servant.

Me:      I know I'm not your servant, babe.  Don't you understand that I want to do this?  This is what makes me happy.  This is a service I can do for you.  Do you remember the last scene in "Taming of the Shrew"?

Sir:       (Thinking)  Um, not really.

Me:      Kate is lecturing the other wives about caring for their husbands.  "...place your hands below your husband's foot:   In token of which duty, if he please, my hand is ready; may it do him ease."

In the pause that followed, I could have sworn the room got brighter.  The light bulb went off like sunshine over my head.  Hyperbole?  No way.  This was another "you-can't-make-this-shit-up" moment that, for me, was unique.  I got it and so did Sir.

Mistress:          Sir, this isn't just a favor she's doing for you.  This is a need...

Me:      Like breathing.  I want this.  I need this.  It. Is. Who. I. Am.

And I got up from the chair to go and get His glasses.  I didn't wait for permission.  I had to get out of the room or I would have lost it right there. It was profound for me.  The incident happened at just the exact right moment when Sir was in a place to finally understand why my head worked the way it does.  This morning was turning into a whole slew of those "happening at the exactly right moment" incidents.

I had to take a minute or two to pull myself back together.  Okay, more than just a minute or two.  I was gone closer to what felt like maybe 15 minutes.  When I came back in the room, Master, Mistress and Sir were discussing something about the massage later in the day and that the leather Master was going to bring some floggers and other leather goods by for Sir to look at.  There was also something about an "order".  Mental fist pump.  Maybe Sir was going to get another flogger.  And I soooo wanted to look at leather corsets. 

When Sir realized I was back in the room, as I handed Him His reading glasses, He announced He wanted me to take a walk with Him.  No question – we needed to talk.  We’d been given a lot to think about.

Next:  Later that same day...