Sir, Mistress, the Dungeon, the Catalyst

We entered the Dungeon and the first thing I noticed was that it was cold.  As we moved to the room where we would be scening, it became warmer.  I had the fleeting thought that if I was asked to undress (and I knew it would happen) I was going to be cold. 

My eyes were down; I didn't dare look up.  We were in the Dungeon and High Protocol was in place.  I moved out of the way and maintained a standing present ready posture –  arms at the side, palms out, legs apart, back straight, chin up, eyes down.  I realized that I was acutely aware of everything going on around me, tuned in on Mistress and Sir.  Nothing else mattered.  Sir left the room for something and I was left alone with Mistress.  I felt my stomach turn over.  I could see Her feet as She moved over to the couch across the room and sat down.  For one of the longest minutes in my life, She didn't speak and I was struck by the silence. 

"Slave, come here and assume kneeling posture."  Mistress pointed to the floor at Her feet.

I knelt, resting my butt on my heels, knees apart, hands on thighs, palms up, back straight, chin up, eyes down. 

"Slave your posture is perfect.  Who taught you this?"

Breathe, swallow, speak.  "I grew up in the Orient, Mistress.  Except for the knees apart and hands on the thighs palms up, this is the way one sits.  It is a form of respect, Mistress."

"Do you understand what this posture conveys, slave?"

Another breath, swallow, speak. "As I understand it, Mistress, it conveys to my Dominant that I am ready for whatever He requires and will obey without question."

"Yes, that is partly correct, slave.  Your open hands in the Gorean way show your readiness to do your Master's bidding and serve Him in whatever way He requires.  Your open thighs and erect posture, show that your body is His to use as He sees fit.  Your chin is up to show your pride in your Service to Him and your eyes are down so that your mind is not distracted and is open to your Master's word.  We will wait for Sir to return."

With that, the only sound I heard was my heartbeat and breathing.  I felt myself descending into a very familiar place. 

I used to lift weights before I hurt my back several years ago.  When I would be executing high-rep sets, I would find myself entering a Zen-like state.  I was working with a trainer who acted as my anchor.  I would partially come out of the state as the trainer directed.  My focus was the trainer's voice, the weights, and my body.  The gym could have caught fire and I probably wouldn't have even noticed. 

As I heard Mistress' voice as she described the meaning behind the posture, I felt my mind turn in on itself and my body was completely relaxed, but every square inch of my skin was attuned to the movement of air in the room.  I could hear Mistress breathing.  I did not move.  My breathing deepened and I felt my mind enter the zone.

Sir returned shortly thereafter and I heard his footsteps behind me. I did not move. I wanted to remember every second of what would happen from this point forward.

"Please join me, Sir.  Her posture is beautiful, don't you agree?"

"Yes, it is.  She is a beautiful woman."  His voice enveloped me like a warm blanket. 

"I would like her to undress and we can get started."

A pause.

His voice.  Deep, firm, sure. "Saya, strip."

And, so, it began.

Freedom.  No decisions.  No instructions to give, only receive.  Hear only the voices of Sir and Mistress.  Open my mind to the atmosphere around me.  Let my mind go where it wants. Let go and feel. 

For the next two hours, that is exactly what I did. 

My story is familiar to those in the Community, not me in particular, but in a general sense.  Why?  Because entirely too many of us have been there and done that.  There are a lucky few who were raised by enlightened parents who thumbed their noses at societal expectations, classifications, and, yes, outright prejudice and stupidity.  But, those are a precious few.  For most of us, we have had to find our way in the dark or make the decision to live in secret. 

From the time I first became sexually aware, I realized I was different.  When I became an adult and studied psychology, I discovered that my feelings, desires, fantasies were classified as a form of mental illness, deviant behavior, not normal.  So, I stuffed those feelings in a black steel box, locked it into the darkest corner of my mind and refused to look at it or even acknowledge its existence.  For 23 years, I lived with the thought that if I opened that box, I would be looked at as a sick, twisted person.  The box remained undisturbed until I was 35 years old and one of the most dynamic men I had ever encountered unlocked the door, found the box, opened it and exposed everything I had stuffed in there through all the preceding years.  He showed me that I wasn't sick or twisted.  My fantasies were normal and there was a whole world out there with people just like me – more than I could imagine and most of the rest of the world would never admit that they had exactly the same feelings, desires, fantasies, brain wiring.  This man showed me that I was a submissive (and probably always had been) who had been forced through circumstance to live as a dominant.  The analogy he used was that it would be like a gay man or lesbian woman being forced to live straight. 

I fell hard for this man and we broke up about two months after he opened that door.  I realized later that what he did was considered cruel and thoughtless in the extreme.  He dropped a newly-aware sub and left her without any coping skills at all.  I had locked it all in the box once before.  I could do it again – and I did. 

I lived that lie until I finally came out to Sir.  The rest is history that culminated in that night in that place and I finally came to understand I had finally found the answer I had been seeking for most of my life.

I didn't make it to subspace that night, but when the scene was over, my mind was quieter than I could remember it being in a very long time.  And I felt a connection to Sir that I had never felt before.  Something happened that night.  Now, to figure out what it was.  I knew this much...the Saya who entered that Dungeon was not the Saya who came back up to the main floor that night.  

Next:  Debrief and epiphany