Questions in the Dark

The scene was over and I felt quiet in body and mind.  Back on the main floor we sat down to talk about it.   

During the scene, I was pretty much in my own head and thoroughly enjoying myself.  Sir and Mistress were talking back and forth.  I knew She was using different floggers and techniques which were keeping me on my toes, so to speak.  I was still enjoying the endorphin high, so I just sat back and listened to Sir and Mistress.  I really didn't pay much attention to what was being said.  I was just letting thoughts roll through my head.  At some point, I must've fallen asleep because Sir was telling me it was time to go to bed.  Shuffle, stagger, shuffle some more and then face first into the wonderful bed.  I never even knew when He turned out the lights.

I woke up some time later; it was still dark – and I do mean dark.  There was very little ambient light in that area.  It was darker and quieter than I was used to.  I couldn't get back to sleep right away; I had a hundred thoughts running through my head.  To keep from disturbing Sir, I got up and went to sit in the chair by the window.  It was good to just sit and think in the quiet.

It had been an incredible experience.  I was able to let go and just fall into the scene knowing that the only thing I needed to think about was to remember my safeword if the scene got too intense.  The sensations were incredible and I kept trying to sort it all out in my mind.  I finally decided I wasn't going to worry about it.  The scene was what it was, the experience was what it was.  Analysis wasn't necessary. 

Did Sir finally feel the power of His Dominance?  Did He understand it?  Did He know that I had completely surrendered and placed myself in His and Mistress' hands?  Whatever.  It really didn't matter.  In my mind I felt closer to Sir, and I somehow knew that He enjoyed the scene. 

I thought about the slaves and realized I felt some sort of connection with them.  I was also aware of a kind of peace about them.  They were clearly happy and content.  Was it true that when one gave one's self over to that kind of deep submission, it brought peace?  Watching Master and Mistress as they interacted with the slaves, I found myself wanting "that".  Well, what was "that" exactly?  Service.  To be that cherished.  To know that I could serve with that depth of commitment knowing that in my service I honored the one person I held above all others in my life.  Whether it was something as simple as cooking His dinner, or as complex as handling the closing on our house because He could not be there for business reasons.  Each act of Service was done to honor Him and his commitment to me, to us together. 

All of a sudden, I remembered dialogue from Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew" Act V, Scene 2:

"And place your hands below your husband's foot,

In token of which duty, if he please,

My hand is ready, may it do him ease."

I remembered how I felt the first time I read those words and I felt it again sitting in the dark.  I also felt the conflict.  A woman serving a man? What the hell...???

I was one of the original bra burners back in the late 60s – early 70s.  Did I burn my bra so that I could go on my knees in service to my husband, to a man?  Did I burn my bra so that my husband  would feel that he did not have a right, if agreed that he was Head of Household, to govern his home as he saw fit?  Real men don't hit women?  Of course not – unless the woman asks nicely and makes it clear that she enjoys impact play, fire play, wax play, and a whole host of other wonderful, kinky activities.  And don’t "real men" stand up and acknowledge the fact that they are pretty much hard-wired to protect, cherish, hunt, gather, care for the submissive partner?  Had the women's movement emasculated men?!  Didn't I burn my bra so that women could have choices, to achieve whatever potential they could.  And if that choice was to serve her dominant partner, to be the "wind beneath his wings", to submit to his will, wasn't that a valid choice?  Who had the right to say otherwise?  Did no one understand how much strength it takes to place one's complete and unreserved trust in another?  Did society not understand that submission did not mean suppression?

Why did I feel so complete and so right when I knelt at my husband's feet?  Was I some kind of hypocrite or was I finally beginning to understand something very fundamental even foundational about relationship dynamics?

No, this wasn't just about dominance in the bedroom.  No, siree.  This was something very basic.   I got out there in the business world and swam with the sharks; I was proud to BE one of those sharks.  In my professional life, I made the hard decisions and stuck by them.  I was fine with that.  But when I walked through the door of my home and was in the presence of my husband, a whole new dynamic presented itself. 

I knew the answer was close, right there, if I could just find the missing piece of the puzzle. It was right in front of me and was about to take a nip at the end of my nose.

Next:  Revelation