Fifty Years Ago Today

It was a sunny Saturday morning in a little town just outside of Tokyo, Japan. The day was just getting started. Nothing felt out of the ordinary. That would change very quickly.

Japan is 14 hours ahead of the east coast of the US, and 15 hours ahead of Dallas, Texas. On Friday, November 22, 1963, at 12:30 p.m. it was 3:30 a.m., Saturday, November 23, 1963.

I was 9 years old.

We were stationed in Japan, my father was a squadron commander at Tachikawa Air Force Base. He wasn’t at home; he was at work.

Back then, we didn’t have American TV. Our only English-speaking media was Far East Network operated by Armed Forces Radio and Television Service, AFRTS. I turned on my radio at 8:45 a.m. so that I could listen to my favorite Saturday morning radio show, Big John and Sparky due to air at 9:05. There was some program on, but the newsbreak was 9 a.m. and lasted for five minutes. I had just enough time to get my bowl of cereal, sneak it back to my bedroom and eat breakfast while listening to my show. My mom and brothers were asleep. Perfect.

I was sitting on my bed listening to the news when the announcer said something about the President being shot. I really wasn’t paying attention until then. I turned up the radio and put the cereal bowl on the desk that sat beside my bed.

The more I heard, the more scared I felt. 

The Cuban Missile Crisis had happened 13 months prior. The Cold War still raged. There was the Pacific to the east and Russia, China and North and South Korea to the west and southwest. We lived 658 miles from Vladivostok, USSR. The kids all knew something really bad was happening back home in America. The rumor mill said Russia was going to bomb the US. Our fathers were not home. Our moms were extremely cranky, and the school kept having duck and cover drills. The military bases were on extremely high alert. Yes, we were definitely on edge in a major way. When it was over, the relief was incredible, even for the children.

Now, 13 months later, someone had shot the President?? My dad wasn’t home - again - and we were NOT allowed to call his office – for any reason.

At approximately 9:30 a.m. (6:30 p.m., November 22, 1963, Dallas time) the announcement was made that the President was dead. I remember calling for my mother to wake up right away, somebody had killed the President. Where was dad? Was dad okay? Who did this?

Why did it take so long for us to hear about it?  Back then, news broadcasts and print media – AFRTS and Stars and Stripes newspaper - to military personnel were heavily censored. (The movies Good Morning, Vietnam and Full Metal Jacket weren’t far off the mark.) In addition, because of where we were stationed, the military personnel had to be in place and ready for anything to protect the bases and civilian personnel before the word got out to the dependents.

I don’t remember a whole lot about the rest of the day except that we were not allowed out to play and neither were any of our friends. The radio stayed on constantly. We did turn on the TV. This was the day of the first satellite broadcast from the US to Japan.

We cried for the President, for Jackie, and for Caroline and John-John. We were no strangers to children losing their dad. It had happened to our friends. Military children learn about the death of a parent sooner than any child ever should. We were sad that Caroline and John-John knew about that now, too.

The next days are a blur.

I do remember watching the funeral.

I remember that it was two weeks before my dad came home.

I remember the very vivid realization in my 9-year-old psyche that nothing would ever be the same again.

Amazon and Censorship - The Battle Continues

When all the crap came down about books being pulled from Amazon and other distributors, I started trying to figure out what was going on and contacted several of my geek friends. As near as we can determine the various ebook distributors are using software that scans uploaded ebooks for various terms that may indicate abusive or offensive material. 

What are these words? No one knows and no one can get answers. I know this because my geek colleagues and I have tried to get those answers.

Why can’t we get answers? Because the sysadmin or a committee will set the parameters for the search terms and this is based on their terms of service and personal opinions of what constitutes offensive material.  Subjective much?

What does that mean?  It means that any ebook containing words like “rape”, or phrases that may indicate nonconsent or dubious consent, or incestuous relationships, bondage, domination, submission, sadism, masochism, or any number of other words and phrases as determined by nebulous authorities will be pulled by the computer.

Yes, you read that right – some nameless, faceless individual guided by extremely ambiguous terms of service and guidelines, and their personal opinion inputs arbitrary words and phrases as search criteria, then turns the computer loose to pull ebooks because they have been determined to be pornography, abusive, offensive or just something a few zealots have determined is “undesirable”.

Yes, the implication is correct.  Adults are being told what they can and can’t read, even in the face of the US Constitution and the US Supreme Court rulings regarding pornography.  See the thumbnails of the cases cited here :

http://www.nap.edu/netsafekids/pp_li_pfa.html

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/porn/prosecuting/overview.html

Keep in mind, that no one has an argument with the ruling that adults have the right to restrict what children will be able to access, but I’m talking about what ADULTS can access and purchase.

Then there is the issue of interference with a person’s livelihood since writing is, in fact, a job.

As long as we’re discussing subjective criteria for undesirable, offensive material, then I’d like an answer to this question:  Why is the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy still for sale?

Amazon is, without qualification/argument, the largest book distributor in the world. Where goes Amazon, so go the rest of the lemmings.  So, as an author what can you do?  As a reader, what can you do?

Authors:

Email your Amazon contact and request SPECIFIC REASONS why they have removed your book(s). Do not settle for anything less than a very detailed explanation.  In many cases, when a human takes a look at the books, they are reinstated because there was really nothing wrong in the first place.  That doesn’t help you with your lost sales during the period when the book was blocked, but at least it’ll be back up and available for sale.

UK authors:  Until your new obscenity laws are challenged through your courts, you are pretty much SOL, but I would suggest that you do the same. Email and demand a detailed explanation of why your book(s) was/were removed/blocked.

Readers:

Now, here is where the real power lies – money. Our wallets have incredible power. I personally purchase close to 1000 (one thousand – and you did read that right) books PER YEAR. I have the receipts to prove it.  And my numbers sometimes don’t even come close to some other folks’ numbers. The point is, I’m not the only one who buys up in the high hundreds of books per year. Do the math and then think about that incredible amount of revenue.

Now you understand just where the power lies, right? So how do we use it?

We sit down and email Amazon AND we write to Jeff Bezos AND we pick up the phone and call Amazon’s global headquarters:

Jeffrey Bezos, CEO

Amazon Incorporated Headquarters

410 Terry Avenue North

Seattle, Washington USA    98109

Phone:  +1-206-266-1000

If you call, you want to speak to the VP in charge of customer relations.

When you write or call, do NOT get emotional.  Talk money.  Tell them how much you spend on books per year.  Tell them about the other products you order from Amazon. Tell them that you have no problem with switching over to some other ereader because there are free apps out there for the other readers available on the market, and there is file converter software like Calibre that can convert the proprietary files. Make no bones about the fact that you will go elsewhere to purchase the other products Amazon sells.  Make the point that Amazon is NOT the only game in town and you will take your business elsewhere. Not only that, you will encourage your friends on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and any other social networking media you use to do the same. And, oh, by the way, some of those friends out there are probably Amazon stockholders.  Jus’ sayin’…

Amazon will act like it really doesn’t make a difference to them, that they are sorry to see you go (remember, to them you are just one small fish in a big sea). The thing is, if enough people protest and boycott, Amazon will get the message and learn the same lesson just like PayPal did.

Remember:  When talking to big corporations, leave the emotion at the door or in your closet.  TALK NUMBERS. This is the only language they speak.

Speaking of numbers…Think about this:  Amazon Prime charges $79.00/year for membership. Yes, you do get a good bang for your buck.  BUT… if 10 Prime members cancel their membership, that’s lost revenue of $790.00 per year, if 1000 members cancel that’s $79,000/year.  If 100,000 members cancel because they will not sit still for this crap that is 7.9 MILLION per year in lost revenue.  Now, those numbers are not chump change to stockholders. And 100,000 possible dropped Prime memberships is not an impossible number thanks to the prevalence of various social media out there. Some of us use several social networking sites. 

One last thing, if they tell you that they are filtering results (which is what they tried to pull with me), insist that they give you instructions on how to turn off any filters. I’m still waiting on a reply to that question.

If you don’t act, one morning you’ll wake up and the zealots, corporations and lazy parents will have determined what you can and can’t read.  Is that really what you want? 

EDITED TO ADD FOLLOW-UP COMMENT:  There does seem to be a pattern after all. Attention authors:  Watch those titles.  Words like CAPTIVE, RAPE, DAUGHTER, DADDY, various animals, TAKEN, etc. will probably get your book flagged. Just remember, be sure to contact the distributor and demand a detailed explanation of why your book(s) was/were taken down.

Freedom of Speech and Internet Bullying

  

I'm not going to bore you with a rehash of the outright asshattery taking place on the Goodreads site and the bullying, abuse, verbal assault and outright threats against authors that the site permits and, by its inaction, condones.  What I am going to do is pass on some very interesting information obtained through a day spent in research and conversation with some lawyer and law enforcement friends.

First, a disclaimer:  I am not and never have been a lawyer or member of the law enforcement community.  I have, however, been working in, with and through the internet since the old listserv days back in the 1980s. As a business owner whose company functions in today's electronic environment I have at least better than passing familiarity with certain aspects of a new field called Internet Law as it pertains to communications, intellectual property, privacy, employee relations and conduct, and yes, even how to deal with trolls. I must also have an understanding of what constitutes the difference between freedom of speech, libel and outright threats.

The Supreme Court of the United States, the ultimate legal authority in this country, has issued numerous opinions defining freedom of speech, freedom of expression, pornography, et cetera.  Here is a link for laypersons to get you started if you are so inclined:

http://www.freedomforum.org/packages/first/curricula/educationforfreedom/supportpages/L04-LimitsFreedomSpeech.htm

This is a site that explains in clear, easy to understand language just what the First Amendment of the US Constitution is all about and cites caselaw on the boundaries of the Amendment.  Click on the lessons in the column to the left for more detailed information.  Take particular note of the language under the heading Clear and Present Danger.

Here is an example of free speech as guaranteed by the US Constitution and clearly defined by caselaw:

"I read this book by XXX and, frankly, the writing sucks monkey balls, the editing was atrocious and the story was a joke.  Do NOT waste your money on this book."   

I can even say that I think XXX is a stupid twit who couldn't write a complete sentence to save her life. I can post this opinion on my Facebook wall, Twitter, MySpace, any and all review sites, even have flyers printed up and distributed, and no one can arrest me for violating any law – civil or criminal.  No one can sue me for it, either.  I have a constitutional right to speak my mind. Period. End of sentence. Discussion over. Don't like what I said?  Too bad. Guess what? You don't have to read it. You don't have to allow me to publish it on your site. But you cannot prevent me from stating my opinion and publishing it in any media that permits me to post. Not in the good ole US of A.

However...and internet trolls had better sit up and take notice of what I'm about to write. If they don't, well, they can't say they weren't warned. Oh, and one other thing...Ignorance of the law is no excuse. The following will get trolls into some very serious hot water because it is NOT defined as freedom of speech under law:

"I read this book by XXX and, frankly, the writing sucks monkey balls, the editing was atrocious and the story was a joke.  Do NOT waste your money on this book. Not only that, she is a whore, a disease-ridden fuck hole that should be raped and hung by her neck until dead." 

This is an example of verbal assault and an outright death threat, which are NOT, I repeat, N.O.T. guaranteed rights under US law – federal or state. If the subject of such a post chooses to do so, they can take the evidence to their local law enforcement agency and turn it over for investigation.  And it WILL be investigated.  Again, I refer the reader to the cases of suicide that have been directly attributed to internet bullying.  These are the ones that make the news, but guess what...there are a multitude more that do NOT make the news that have led to arrests.  The landmark case was United States v. Drew in the death of Megan Meier.  Search cyberbullying, cyberharassment, cyberstalking for some interesting reads on how US courts view the type of crap that is allowed to proliferate on the Goodreads site. 

In the USA, say whatever you like about an author's book, but libel and threaten the author, don't think for a single second that screen name will protect you.  Delete your vitriol?  Once something is posted on the internet, good luck trying to gather up all the pieces.  There are screenshots out there. 

And let's not forget the site servers and your ISP.  And there is also your computer's unique identifier – it's called a MAC address. Think you're a good enough hacker to completely hide yourself? Think again.

If a cyberbullied individual chooses to do so, they can bring down a world of hurt on internet trolls.  There are three trolls on Goodreads (these are the ones who come to mind immediately) who really need to rethink some of the crap they have posted and hope to whatever god they pray to that a savvy author doesn't decide to prosecute them for their threats. 

Another little interesting fact...Regardless of Terms of Service, the site owner(s) can be held accountable for what is posted on that site.  Hellllllooooo Goodreads admins – are you listening?  

Shame on you Jeff Bezos.  You know all of this better than anyone, and you and your minions have done nothing to stop it.

Wouldn't it be interesting if all of the authors who have been libeled and threatened on the Goodreads site got together and decided to press charges?

Just a little something internet trolls need to think about. Karma ain't the only bitch in town. US courts have got it all over her and then some.

Goodreads Troll Society

The following post is dedicated to every author, published or yet-to-be-published, ever bashed and bullied by the Goodreads Troll Society.

Sad news today.  An aspiring author has decided to halt publication of her book because the Goodreads Troll Society has struck again. (Yes, written here as a single entity comprised of multiple individuals.)  Even though this group has NOT read the book, they decided to get their most recent jollies by flaming a first-time author before the book was even published. While bashing an author prior to publication is not unusual for this group, bashing an author to the point where the author has halted publication of their book is unusual.  I've not heard of an author halting publication as a result of GTS bullying.

"Meh", you say. "Internet trolls are a fact of life. Get over it."

"That may be," I reply. "But since when do we, the reading public, have to tolerate it to the degree that we are now going to be deprived of what could be an excellent story – and all because of the insane rants of a select group of idiots?" (Note:  Idiot as used in this post is a bona fide classification of one with an IQ of 0-20.)

This is not the first time the GTS (Goodreads Troll Society) has struck. Unfortunately, until the Goodreads site changes its Terms of Service (See Section 2, paragraphs 1 and 2), the GTS will be allowed to continue spewing their written crap.

Free speech is an absolute guarantee in the United States.  While one cannot yell "fire" in a crowded theater, one can spew whatever sewage one wishes on the internet regardless of the consequences.  As proof, I refer you, dear reader, to multiple cases of suicide directly attributed to the actions of internet bullies.  The instance of an author pulling publication of a book may not be suicide in the literal sense, but the author has basically killed a story it probably took her the better part of a year to write. 

And make no mistake, a story is as much a part of an author as an arm, leg, hand...or heart.

So, if the Goodreads admins will not stop the GTS, what can be done about this group? 

It's simple, really. 

First, learn about internet trolls and what makes them tick.  Here are a couple of good articles to get you started:

http://kotaku.com/5893237/how-to-win-the-war-on-internet-trolls

http://www.theguardian.com/science/head-quarters/2013/aug/12/psychology-trolling-online-abuse

John Suler, PhD, has written an outstanding article dealing with the Online Disinhibition Effect, i.e. the psychology of the internet troll.

Second, consider using their crap against them and to your advantage.  Yes, I said use trolls to your advantage.  No, I promise I haven't lost my mind.

We all know that internet trolls have an IQ somewhere in the negative numbers, possibly even as high as 20, but not much higher than that.  This being the case, taking anything the GTS says seriously should be viewed as a joke.  It goes back to the adage, "Consider the source."  The GTS hasn't got enough brain power between all of them to light a match, never mind being able to comment intelligently on anything they review.  You know this.  I know this. But these idiots seem to think they can control public opinion.

And they can – IF WE allow THEM to do so.  Let me say that again:  The GTS can control our opinions and influence our actions IF WE ALLOW THEM TO DO SO.

Therefore, we don't allow their opinions to influence our opinions or actions in any way. In fact, IMO, the GTS condemnation should be looked upon as a badge of honor, a rite of passage.  Once an author has been  bashed by these trolls, one has paid another toll on the road to literary success.  Further, authors should consider using a GTS bashing to their advantage in marketing their books.  This accomplishes two things:

1.  It gives the troll the attention the poor, unfortunate idiot craves, and

2.  Gives the author some free publicity. 

Think about it.  Being told "no, you shouldn't" and "no, you can't" are two of the most perfect psychological hooks out there.  Tell someone "no" and what's the first thing they want to do, need to do? Yep, you guessed it.  Marketing is 9/10^ths psychology, right? Well then...

Look, GTS is probably comprised of, at best, hundreds of individuals, but I would hazard not more than 500 at most. (Please, gods and goddesses, tell me there aren't more idiots than that on the site.)  There are literally millions of readers out there. 

To the readers, I say this – ignore the GTS or, even better, take their written sewage as an inducement to buy the book.  After all, do you really want an idiot telling you what to read? And since members of GTS probably can't read, are they even qualified to post a review in the first place?

To the yet-to-be-published authors, I say this – Please don't deprive the reading public of a chance to read the result of your hard work based on the drivel of idiots.  Let us judge for ourselves the quality of your writing and the story you tell.

To the published authors who have been bashed by the GTS, I say this – Use their sewage against them. Wearing a GTS bashing as a badge of honor says to your readers that you are the bigger, better person.  As a  reader, I look at a GTS bashing as an incentive to buy the bashed book and support the bashed author.  Note the psychology of "no" above. 

If power is what GTS wants, then power it will get – but not the kind it was counting on. (insert evil laughter)

Support those authors bashed by the Goodreads Troll Society – if for no other reason than to piss off the Goodreads trolls. 

DEMANDING AN APOLOGY FROM WOMEN ACTION & THE MEDIA

(Please note:  In the text below are several words in ALL CAPS.  This is done for emphasis only. This is being posted on other sites using software that, in some cases, does not allow particular formatting.  I am not screaming or shouting.  I promise.)

In May, WAM (Women Action and the Media) began a campaign to stamp out sexist hate speech directed at women.  In and of itself, this was a noble undertaking and has brought that egregious practice into the light of day where it belongs.  What happened after that is also egregious in the extreme and this group did nothing to stop it and, in fact, encouraged it.  The result was nothing less than a stark repeat of one of history's darkest periods.

Thanks to WAM, the BDSM community became subject to what was nothing less than an outright pogrom, even a witch hunt.  In the ensuing days this group, while claiming to be an advocate of women and a bastion of free speech, violated the First Amendment of the United States Constitution (WAM is headquartered in the US) and knowingly - dare I even say this - with malice aforethought, actively worked to libel the community on Facebook, the largest social network in the world.

When called out by the BDSM community for WAM's incredibly ignorant, prejudicial, demonizing behavior, the group then backpedaled and, depending on your definition of the word, lied to cover their tracks.  To add insult to injury, they put out a statement saying that they had no problem with "consensual" BDSM and that it was Facebook's fault for taking down the pages.  This, even in the face of screenshots of the posts and resulting responses to posts that encouraged the witch hunt against the BDSM community.

One more time to get the point across:  If it is not consensual it is not, I repeat not, BDSM.   

WAM states clearly on their Facebook page with great pride that they forced the Washington Post to change their editorial policies after their interpretation of something written in an OPINION PIECE was deemed a sexist slur about Hillary Clinton.  Freedom of speech?  Freedom of thought?  Freedom of opinion?  Yes, even writers at the Post have the right to voice their opinion in writings clearly marked as such.  Here is the link to prove that this was, in fact, an OPINION PIECE dealing with a PUBLIC FIGURE. 

http://www.reclaimthemedia.org/media_justice/women_action_and_media_members0532

After appointing themselves the equivalent of the "thought police" AND using the threat of negative PR, WAM essentially forced Facebook to depublish over 100 (yes, that number is correct) pages started by the BDSM community to entertain and educate members of the community and those curious about the lifestyle.  NONE of these pages violated Facebook policy.  All were set for adults only (18 years old and over), some were even closed and/or secret to try and prevent minors from accessing the material.  This debacle mushroomed as a DIRECT RESULT of the actions or Women Action and the Media and WAM thinks they can lie, divert and misdirect their way out of it.

Not happening on my watch.

Women Action and the Media owes the BDSM community a thorough, humble apology along with a pledge to work to help restore those BDSM pages taken down as a result of their very misdirected campaign.

I call upon members of the BDSM community to stand up and demand this apology from Women Action and the Media and insist that it be given publicly, prominently and without ambiguity on their Facebook page, website, Twitter and any other social media they utilize. 

Please feel free to share this post. 

One last parting word:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me--and there was no one left to speak for me.

Friedrich Gustav Emil Martin Niemöller (14 January 1892 – 6 March 1984)

Ask yourself, if we (all of us, kink or vanilla) do not stop this now, who will WAM and other organizations of like mind come after next?

Facebook's War Against BDSM

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Socialist.
 
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.
 
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out--
Because I was not a Jew.
 
Then they came for me--and there was no one left to speak for me.
 

Friedrich Gustav Emil Martin Niemöller (14 January 1892 – 6 March 1984)

A group called Women, Action & the Media have started a campaign to combat violence against women.  This is outstanding in theory.  In practice, however, it is nothing less than a colossal clusterfuck.  To date, more than 90, yes 90+, pages started by members of the BDSM community have been taken down.  This does not count those taken down and then restored. 

In the interest of full disclosure, I have no doubt that the campaign has brought down some purveyors of hate speech directed at women, and that is a very good thing.  However, that same campaign has run amok and must be reined in and limits set. It has gone from a well-intentioned movement to outright censorship and violation of the First Amendment of the US Constitution.

On June 18^th at approximately 4:30 p.m. an individual who shall remain nameless placed a post on WAM's Facebook wall (it is still there as of this writing) stating that women in abusive situations were there consensually because they were too scared to escape and seek help.  I could not believe that anyone educated enough to be able to type coherent words on a keyboard could be that stupid. 

WAM's little campaign and Facebook playing right into their hands is nothing new.  "Feminists" have been at war with the BDSM community for years.  While I haven't remained silent, I haven't stood up and stated unequivocally that I won't tolerate this BS any longer. 

To use Niemöller's poem as an analogy:  I am a woman, a collared submissive and very proud member of the BDSM community.  I'll be damned if I'm going to stand in the background any longer while others in the community are censored by the largest social network in the world in what amounts to discrimination and infringement on freedom of speech. 

I said to someone recently that this campaign reminded me of the temperance movement back in the late teens, early twenties last century.  I was wrong.  It's the late 1930s all over again.

They are coming for the BDSM community.  Are you going to sit silent until they come for you?

Subdrop

I've read about it.  I even understand it from a medical POV.  Makes perfect sense.  Using sensation overload, take the mind and body to the limits and the endocrine system secretes massive amounts of what is basically a narcotic cocktail with all kinds of enhancers.  It's a high like no other...even better than any of the "good drugs" a doctor can prescribe.  And I got a taste of it and LOVED it.  As with any narcotic/stimulant-induced high, there is a crash, sometimes within hours, but it can also happen days later.  The higher the high, the farther down the crash.  

 No, I did NOT love what happened a few days later.  In fact, I didn't even like it. 

Going away on a long-anticipated vacation trip and having a blast.  Everyone does it.  Coming home is great, but that post-vaca letdown is crappy, to say the least.  I fully expected to have the post-vaca letdown.  My work schedule was going to be quite a challenge, so I figured the letdown would be mild at best because activity, physical and mental, is a great deterrent to depression.  Oh, how wrong I was.

Just for grins and giggles,  let's add another little factor into the mix. 

I decided to detox from caffeine about the same time.  The caffeine detox had been taking place over more than six weeks.  I wanted to detox very, very slowly because one of the side effects of stopping caffeine too quickly is severe migraine in addition to the horrible draggy feeling that comes with detoxing from any sort of stimulant – and caffeine IS a stimulant. 

I've been a coffee snob since I was about 14 years old.  In college, coffee was my very best friend.  As a young parent of two very hyperactive boys, coffee was sometimes the only thing standing between me and complete exhaustion.  In med (PA) school, I practically mainlined the stuff.  Yeah, I was a coffee addict.  No, there is no such thing as Coffee Addicts Anonymous – but there should be. 

I digress...

We got home early Sunday evening and began getting ready for the upcoming week.  It was going to be "balls to the wall" all week long.  I was ready, willing and able. 

Monday and Tuesday were not too bad.  I didn't really have time to think about anything much more than work anyway.  Sir was back in the office and going hell for leather, too.  Wednesday was a little tricky.  I was feeling irritable, but nothing out of the ordinary when I'm under pressure.  By Thursday, I was no better and it was getting hard to concentrate.  By Friday night, it was getting hard to even make a decision as simple as figuring out what to have for dinner.  Nothing was going right.  Saturday, it felt like my mind was hitting a brick wall.  Motivation was damn near in the toilet. 

Sunday morning was a disaster. I had a total meltdown and couldn't quite figure out why.  My thinking process felt like scrambled eggs look on a plate.  Everything going in every possible direction except where I wanted and needed for it to go. The clincher was screaming at Sir because he hadn't taken out the trash.  Oh, yeah.  Not good.  I felt like I was a wreck. 

It wasn't like I wasn't familiar with the feelings I was having.  I have dealt with chronic depression for the last eight years.  The problem was that I couldn't figure out why I was having what could essentially be called a full-blown flare.  It felt like it had come out of nowhere. 

Remember those light bulb moments? 

Light.  Bulb.   

Oh, crap!  Subdrop.  Made worse by caffeine withdrawal and a high-pressure work week.  A constellation of factors that culminated in the Sunday from hell. 

At this point in the story, I need to extend a very heartfelt "thank you" to Tymber Dalton, Cherise Sinclair, and Kallypso Masters. Why?  Because I suggested Sir read their books and those stories helped him recognize what was happening before I figured it out.  Between their books and "Screw the Roses..." and "The Loving Dominant", Sir understood what was happening before I figured it out and he explained it to me.

I cried a bucket of tears because I was so grateful to learn I wasn't completely losing what little mind I was sure I had left.  Definitely a good thing.  That I would have to ride it out?  Definitely a bad thing. 

Blue Bell Ice Cream, Oreos, chicken soup, massage and, of course, lots of cuddling to the rescue. 

Just like millions of subs, I began to crawl out of the very dark place and make my way back to the land of the sane.  It took a couple of days, one very understanding Sir/DH, and three good books to take my mind off this whole crappy situation.  I tuned out the world and rode the roller coaster.  Once I understood what was happening, it was just a little easier to bear.  By Wednesday, I was feeling just about back to normal.  And I made it a point to read everything I could get my hands on about preventing and/or dealing with subdrop. 

What did I learn?

• It doesn't happen to everyone. 
• It's manifestation is unique to each person. There are some common elements, a feeling of sadness, overall lack of motivation, lethargy, irritability, even insecurity.
• Prevention/treatment is unique to each person. 
• It can be worse without good aftercare. 
• Even with good aftercare, there is no guarantee that it won't happen.
• There haven't been scientific studies on it, so there is really no objective information; it's all pretty much anecdotal.
• Each Dominant and submissive have to figure out what's best for them.  This takes time and patience. (Have I mentioned that patience is not one of my virtues?)
• Bottom line:  It can happen.  It does happen.  It sucks – major.

For me personally, it left me just a bit gun shy.  Subspace is a wonderful place, make no mistake.  However, I've been battling depression for a long time and have only just gotten a real handle on it in the last two to three years.  My experience with full-blown subdrop has left me very leery about visiting that wonderful place again and, certainly, not before Sir and I figure out the best way for us to either prevent it, minimize it or, even better, not have it happen at all.

As I write this, we're still learning and we've tried not to let have a negative impact (no pun intended) on our play.  Yes, I've been able to achieve an endorphin high (just not up into the stratosphere) and Sir definitely enjoys play time.  Aftercare is amazing.  Even so, we are proceeding slowly and cautiously. 

We have found that experimentation can be a lot of fun.  

Next:  Off the cuff...